danceNEDA

sarah
2002-08-31 03:06:53 (UTC)

Sarah Pellon

all i wanted to do was write down everything that's
swirling around inside me, and now that i have somewhere to
write it idk where to begin. i just feel so sad and like
horrible all day long every day. this week and month have
been the worst of my life, honestly. i feel so guilty. i
feel like i don't have the right to be sad about sarah, but
i miss her so much. i can hear conversations we had
together in my head, i have the chair we made together in
art in my room, and she signed my yearbook. her screen name
is on my buddylist and her phone #'s are in my cell phone.
she used to confide everything that she and her friends did
to me.. stuff she wasn't supposed to tell other people. she
used to like make sure she was still a good person. she'd
ask me if i thought less of her after she did stuff, but
she was awesome, i loved her to death. i feel guilty that i
got mad at her sometimes because she said things that made
me angry and that i never called her over the summer to
hang out even tho she kept telling me to. i feel so guilty.
i remember she went tanning and she had this little bunny
she was getting tanned onto her stomach- we used to make
fun of stasi in art. we shared a draw and projects,
supplies.. we'd go in the darkroom and share secrets, she
gave me guy advice. she was my outlet from my friends and i
was her outlet from hers. i just can't believe she's gone.
i miss her so much. seeing her last night at the wake was
the hardest thing ever for me, but im glad they didn't
close the casket, because i didn't want to leave to my
imagination what she looked like after the crash. but u cud
see thru the makeup they put on her. you could see that she
must've smashed up against the windshield. i can't stand to
think about her being in that much pain. she was a good
friend and i loved her. idk what im going to do without
her. she used to tell me "idk what i'd do without you to
keep me sane, paige." i'm glad that she had a wild life,
because it was so short. it's like it's not fair that she
was put into my life for a year and then taken away. i put
her picture taped to my windshield of my car and one in my
room. i'll always remember her, because she gave me so much
in such a short time. i hate being alone now, because i
hear her voice in my head. i can still picture her walking
around the artroom in her skirt and sweater, taking my
picture for projects. there's so much. i hate this week,
i'm glad it's almost over. i got in a car accident on the
way to school wednesday, and all i could think was this was
how sarah died. she was in a car accident. a small one is
closer to a big one than none at all, and i cried the rest
of the way to school. i'm lucky i didn't die. she looked
like a stuffed animal in the casket. it made my whole
body.. my whole spirit physically shake and wracked the
sorrow from me. i couldn't control it.. it looked like she
had no bones. i just wanted her to open her eyes and
say "i'm okay.. i'm here." or "sick, kid, so sick."
everyone says i shouldn't feel guilty, and they seem to
understand that i was close to her, so i have a right to be
upset, but i'm so afraid that someone is going to wonder
why i am so upset, like i don't have the right to be. i
wanna press rewind on the remote control of life and tell
her i love her and im sorry i got so mad at her sometimes,
and that i felt lucky that she was my friend even tho i'm
not a partier and wasnt in her crowd. i think its going to
take a long time to get over this. i really miss her, and i
can't wait to see sarah, my angel, in heaven*




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