My Life
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2002-08-30 23:46:39 (UTC)

The Girl

I thought about her today. This is a little flaw in my
sexuality. This is what almost makes me doubt myself...but
not really. See, all of my relationships in high school
were with girls. But none of them went very far A) because
there was never that connection between me and anyone and
B) because I'm GAY and I wouldn't allow things to get too
serious because of fear that I would lose interest. I will
say though that I would have been the best boyfriend if
circumstances would have been different. I loved to go out
and do things, and I loved to spend money. I like to be
close to people. But, there was the whole gay thing...and
I was only really dating girls because I wanted to be
normal. It just didn't work out.

For some reason, I liked to kiss though. That was my
thing. I think I'd like to kiss a guy more however.
Anyway, back to The Girl. We met early in high school at a
conference...and she was from another town too far away.
We were good friends for a couple years, then one day we
kissed. She did terrible things to my mind because I
really liked her, and as I later found out, she really
liked me too but was afraid of getting too close because we
lived so far away and only saw each other periodically.
She moved out of state for college, and now we talk
occasionally. I haven't seen her in over a year.

I realize how strange all this must sound coming from a gay
guy. I had no sexual interest in her, except that I liked
to kiss. The flaw that I mentioned earlier is that I seem
to hold love and lust in separate places. For example, I
don't see myself loving a man, but all sexual feelings are
for men. I could see myself loving a woman...but then
those feelings may just be brought on by the norms of

I guess deep down I could really love the right man...but
I'm young, and I'm still a guy. I'm supposed to think
about sex first. That's what I'm hoping. It's just that
it will be hard to be a normal member of society and live a
life with a man, even if I do find "love" someday. But if
I'm gay, and I definately am, why do I still look back at
The Girl? I don't look at her like I do all of my friends
who are girls now. I see her in a different way.

I don't believe bisexuality exists. So I know it's not
that. I really don't have any sexual attraction for
women. At all. It's just not there. From experiences
fooling around with really just isn't there at
all. I just worry that my love and passion were split
between the sexes. That's what I think about when I think
of The Girl.