poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2002-08-30 18:51:44 (UTC)

An overwhelming sense of

Fear, Confusion, Worry, Stress, Uncertaintity ... Anger
even.

At 35 years old I can't seem to get it together and I don't
know why. I do know that I am perhaps my own worst
enemy ... but I don't know how to get to the core of it all
so that I can just RIP IT OUT, ERADICATE IT FROM MY LIFE -
IT - WHAT IS IT? What is it in me that prevents me from
being a success? From doing things right and keeping my
life on track? It doesn't seem that acknowledging the fact
that there's something terribly wrong is helping to change
anything because I simply cannot get a hold of exactly WHAT
it is that virutally ALWAYS sends me off on the wrong path.

I start out with all the right intentions ... all the
positive thoughts ... but somehow, someway whatever I'm
doing that is in any way important or necessary to my
success and or survival as a human being on this earth
ultimately ends up exactly the opposite of what I thought I
was aiming for ... how does this happen - WHY does this
happen and WHAT sort of role model am I for my daughter?

Frankly I am just so sick and tired of this never ending
vicious cycle ... it's a roller coaster I want to get off
of but can't figure out how, which in itself sounds pretty
ridiculous because if you want to get off the ride all you
should have to do is shout "STOP - I WANT OFF THIS FREAKIN'
RIDE" ... nevertheless, things are never this easy!

One very important concept that is taught by Dr. Glasser (the Founder
and President of the Institute where I'm working for the time being)
and something my boss loves to verbally reiterate is this : 'IS WHAT
YOU'RE DOING, GETTING YOU WHAT YOU WANT?' Well the answer to that is
pretty obvious ... but what is exactly that I need to change in order
to get what and where I WANT (need) to be?

So my money problems remain unresolved, my job is in
jeapordy (yes, here we go AGAIN!) ... Harry and my
relationship is once more in question (since Chantelle's
come back, reality has returned - the honeymoon's over so
to speak - and we're not getting along because of the same
ol, same ol where it concerns issues about her!) ...

Specifically speaking these are the problems that I'm facing right
now - DILEMMAS actually:

I've moved Chantelle out to this new school which she starts next
week; she's finally acquiesced to the fact that this is the way
things are - not to say she's happy, but at least she's become more
complacent about it all, which is good after nearly 3 months of
fighting as hard as she could to change the situation. So after all
this, after enrolling her in the new school, settling into my new job
the shit starts hitting the fan at work and my job security is no
longer a surety.

My boss and I are having PERSONALITY conflicts since she hired a new
girl that has become her SPECIAL PROTEGE - yesterday my boss called
me into her office for the 3 or 4th time in as many days and almost
fired me for something really, really ridiculous. But the bottom
line is I believe she's comparing me to her STAR PUPIL so no matter
what I do it's not going to matter. Before she hired this girl, my
work at worst was satisfactory, I was competent and skilled and she
let me know how pleased she was with positive verbal remarks/comments
and acknowledgement of my efforts. Now suddenly EVERYTHING I do is
WRONG in her eyes! And her perception is that it's my lack of self
confidence that is causing the problem, which may in part be a tiny
peice of the problem, but not the problem in its' entirety! My lack
of self confidence coupled with her consistent negative comments and
double/mixed messages about everything I do or don't do around here
have distorted my self perception in regards to my own capabilities.
When I first started here her attitude towards me was completely
different ... and in this particular aspect, I am not alone in my
assessment of the situation. The other two girls who have worked
here for quite a while have also noticed the change in the way she
treats me since hiring the NEW GIRL (who supposedly reminds Linda -
the boss - of her step daughter - this I was told by one of the woman
who work here). So ... NOW WHAT? Where do I go from here? Linda
said, against her better judgement, she'll give me no more than a
month (of probation) to see if things are going to work out. But to
be honest, the rate things are going, she could drop kick me out of
here next WEEK!

The scary thing is if I'm out of a job, I will have NO money coming
in whatsoever, because I cannot get unemployement since I was on it
so recently! I need not elaborate how very dire I feel things are
right now ... and how very afraid and worried I am!

So ... what can I do right here and now? Well, in talking with
Jobina last night, she says I have NOTHING to lose by changing my
technique in dealing with this woman (my boss), meaning become more
assertive and not letting her get to me. After all, what's the worst
thing that can happen? My job's already on the line, at least I can
go out knowing I did everything I could to turn the situation around,
if losing this job is what's written in the cards for my future.

In the meantime ... the future in general remains quite full of
uncertaintity and this is something that doesn't make me feel too
good.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE! Thank you and Amen!





Ad: