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2002-08-30 16:58:57 (UTC)

fuck my life

so yeah.

i need to write emily a letter.
pretty much.
i dont know how else to go about it. talking always
results in an arguement.

i wish she could understand how hard im trying.
i wish she could give me some sort of praise for that.

and i wish she wouldnt ask questions that she knows she
doesnt want the answers to.

i wish she would just let me deal. let me find a way to be
okay. and not push for the truth. because she cant handle
it. i know that. and neither can i half the time. but
there is nothing that either one of us can do about it.
and there is no answer other than the obvious. and i dont
want that. even if it would be best. even if its the only
way i have out. i will find another way. i will not let
this shit beat us. were better than this. and sometimes i
wish she would acknowledge that.

everything i do, i try to make it better for her. i try to
be okay for her. i try to say the right things.

sometimes i just want to break down and scream and cry and
tell her exactly HOW I FEEL.

but i cant.

it would only bring pain to both of us in the end.
and i am much more content with the pain being mine alone.

i know this current suffering will fade eventually.
and in the end everything will be better because of it.

i just wish things could be different sometimes.
i suppose thats only natural.

i just wish...

i wish for the impossible.

and therefore im done expecting it.

i know its not realistic. i know its not even possible.

so every time that fact is brought to life, i cant get
but i do.
and i wish those feelings would just go away.
i wish i could be okay just KNOWING that she loves me.
but im starting to think that maybe its more than that.
i need to feel the love.
and every time i look down at my ring.
i do.