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2002-08-30 12:59:53 (UTC)

dyslexia hitting hard

this is getting more and more apparent. i don't believe
that ive found an outer layer to my guilt disorder. i
think that ALL of my problems are being caused by my
dyslexia --shit, another long words im gonna use a lot...
i feel guilty for things i really shoudln't, and i don't
feel remorse for things i should. i can't fuckin sleep,
its 6am, and when i got on the computer, i felt a little
sleepier, but i know if i go back to bed, ill lie awake for
another hour (its happened many times before). my
priorities are fucked. i think im gonna start cutting a
lot more as i fall down the oscillation. i think its a
fine way to combat it. very little loopholes. i wanna say
its almost like shock therapy, but id fuckin do anything
not to get shock therapy. anyway, this overall feeling of
dyslexia is too much for me. the constant feelings of
doubt, regret, worthlessness, remorse, unsatisfaction, and
depression. its constant, theres no way to escape it. its
probably whats giving me insomnia, the constant painful
memories, i keep getting flooded by them every minute. no
cure is in sight. its all pessimism, 24/7. captain planet
is fucked up. maybe i need to cry. crying used to help.
whatever, cutting, crying, Christ, all C words, everyone
mercury related ended with an 'eee' sound. i really doubt
that that will really mean anything in the end. i hate
myself, and dyslexia is relentless, shit, its just so
frustrating never finding any fuckin pleasure in anything.
always sad. laughter doesn't do jack, i laugh at comedy
shit late at night when im all depressed, so humour doesn't
help me much at all. and anything that i do find the
remotest pleasure in is extremely time-consuming, and not
satisfying at all. mostly computer games, which eat up
time which makes my schoolwork suffer. im just killing
time. thats all im after. to kill time, waiting to fuckin
die. i dont give a shit about living, travelling, love,
money, its all pain to me, one way or another. id rather
feel nothing that feel pain. thats right, im just a humble
corporate slave driving myself into a corporate grave -
snog, i had to get that quote out. anyway, yes, i will
become a drone, another thing i hate in the world. but,
its true, fuck my politics, philsophy, and opinions. its
not like ill make any fuckin difference in this world. so
ill lie low, keep to myself, and kill time. its just what
will happen, i don't have a clue why God made me like this,
i don't know, maybe to rid me of my anarchist views so i
won't become a revolutionary, i dont know, who fuckin
cares, im gonna go stay awake for a few more hours, think i
could stay up the whole night so i could go to bed early
tomarrow, but i wont, and ill sleep from noon to 6 and fuck
it up even more, like i always do.

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