My Heart and Soul....
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2002-08-30 03:55:39 (UTC)

Bad Day...

"...I'm sorry I..had a bad day again..."

Pensive..I guess that describes my mood. I just don't know
anymore. One minute I'm really happy about this whole senior
year thing, then the next it's like it's all bullshit. Cause
I feel...i don't know what I feel...

Well...I know I feel alone. I hate having no one to talk to.
Yea, I put everything in here, and everyone can read it, and
think "wow, a trip insides Jenn's mind." Yea, well I'm there
everyday, its not so hot. Frankly, it sucks. I'm here, but I
feel like thats about it. I can't talk about what I'm
thinking or feeling. Mostly because I know that everyone I
confide in, will not keep things to themseleves. The joys of
small towns I guess. Everyone is friends with everyone else.
Even when you trust a couple people with a secret, because
you are having a rough time, suddenly it's all blown out or
proportion, and the next thing you know, people are thinking
you are pregnant. (and no, I'm not, so quit being stupid,
IMMATURE and jealous. HE'S ALL YOURS! But thank's for
spreading rumors and talking shit!)

But, it's not like I can even talk about that, cause heaven
knows SOMEONE will have something to say. But I suppose it's
nothing I haven't heard. Cause I know half of what I do
isn't Christian, and it's not the way I used to be, or I'm
being a hoe, or doing it to get attention. Yup. Thats me.
The boring little hoe who does EVERYTHING for attention. BUT
WAIT. That can't be it! Since I try to keep things to
myself. BUT somehow people end up reading my diary, or
slipping up and saying something to the wrong person, then
suddenly...I'm doing things for attention.

I HATE IT HERE! I have a few god friends. But not the kind
of friends you can talk to about things. I've learned that
the hard way. Cause guys really don't give a fuck. And girls
either have HUGE mouths, or just happen to also be best
friends with my sister. Don't get me wronge. They are still
my best friends. But there are times when I wish I didn't
have to feel like I was competing for friendship. That's not
the way I see best friends. I hate it. I just want to have
someone who I can go to when I feel like this, and tell them
whats on my mind, and have them listen, and
understand....and just that. No telling my sister about it.
Or telling their other best friend. Or telling whoever they
happen to see. I want to spend 6 monthsof my life happy. 6
whole months not being depressed about something stupid. I'm
so tired of being sick with depression all the time. Cause I
know that people don't want to be around me. Either cause
I'm depressed, or I'm not being myself, of I'm acting like a
hoe, or I'm binge eating cause I've been starving myself for
3 days. I'm sorry. But that's who I am. I'm trying to
change. But it's hard. And I'm sorry I get depressed. But I
have no one to talk to, cause if I tell my mom then I'm
being ungrateful, and if I tell my friends, I'm not looking
at it from my sisters point of view (cause she's telling
them her side of the story too!) Call me selfish, but for
once I'd like to have someone side with me.

I'm going to bed. Cause I have to go shopping tomorrow, and
spend my money. Cause my mom has spent her last 3 paychecks
on my wonderful sisters college expenses, even though she
worked "so hard ALL summer in 90 degree heat" to make money,
somehow she's conviently out when it comes time to spend it.
SO, I'll be spending ALL my money to buy stuff for school,
cause my mom had to buy my sister stuff for school. But then
again, it's only high school, so who cares. OH! Well maybe
if I go to a Division I school my family will notice that I
live and breath too.

whatever. who cares. Hope you enjoyed this one. Welcome to
the mind of the manic depressant.