le soleil et la lune
2001-07-18 05:10:46 (UTC)

the many men

AGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything always comes in
waves. Why can't everything happen at a nice pace instead
of all at once. Like, take guys for example. Why can't
you find out that they like you one at a time, just when
you need a new guy? I have found out within the last month
that my friend Sean at school likes me, this guy Cory at
Old Navy like me, and that my ex-boyfriend but still close
friend CJ likes me too. But, of course. Guys are
confusing. And so is the summer. I absolutely adore
Sean. And boy can he make a girl melt, but the fact that
he goes to S&M, and the fact that I don't think I am
returning for my last year could cause a problem. Cory is
really sweet, but I've been told that he tends to tell
little fibs. I can get over that, but there is something
else that I can't seem to put my finger on. And, as cute
as he is(and I mean, he really is cute), I don't think that
I am sexually attracted to him. Maybe that will change as
we get to know each other better. I've only known him for a
week and a few days. And then there is this whole CJ thing
which is really throwing me for a loop. We broke up 2
years ago(rather badly too), and we have spent this entire
time rebuilding out shattered friendship. The problem is
that I still have feelings for him, and I've been told he
has them for me too. I can't figure out if these feelings
are purely b/c we were each other's first loves, or b/c
there is something there that needs to be explored. Who
knows, maybe the third time really is the charm. These
feelings were made evident in a incident on the morning of
July 5th. I know that the alcohol helped us along, but we
wouldn't have done anything if our feelings weren't still
strong. And no, we didn't have sex. Even in his
intoxicated state he said that he knew I wasn't ready for
that. It was really sweet, he kept asking me if I wanted
to stop, and if I was going to regret anything we did. I
don't regret anything. ANd I thought it would make things
kinda weird between us for a while, but it didn't. What is
odd is that even though we both know that these feelings
are clearly there and going strong, neither one of us are
doing anything about it. I'm scared to, b/c I know he will
completely morph into Mr. I will do anything to be popular
once school starts, and b/c he is such a big flirt that I
don't know if I could stay away from that jealous
girlfriend mold. Plus, he is always saying things that
bash my self confidence, and that's just not cool. What
confuses me is that I am dating other people, and so is
he. In fact, while I am trying very carefully not to
mention much about the other guys I'm talking to around
him, he makes sure that I know that he is supposed to go be
meeting some hot chick, or some hot sophmores asked him to
come swimming, or Jenna Tuttle, who completely played my
cousin wants to go out, or that he wants to f*ck the hell
out of one my best friends, Melody. I don't know if he is
doing this to make me jealous(b/c it's working) or if he is
sending the clear signal that he doesn't want me anymore,
so don't even try. And I don't know what I would do it we
were to get into an intimate situation. At times he can be
fun and sweet. At other times he is just an ass. And
everytime I talk to him online lately we fight, so I REALLY
just want to know what is going on.