Blaine

broken wings
2002-08-29 21:16:14 (UTC)

A walking open wound

Ok, so I think I've figured out why my dad doesn’t like me.
Everyone is the way they are because of something that has
happened to them. Everyone has their reasons for being the
way they are. Ok, so this is what I figure, he has resented
me from even before I was born. He wanted my mom to have an
abortion, when he found out she was pregnant. He wouldn’t
even pay for the hospital delivery fees. He first of all
said that it couldn’t be his child, and that my mom must
have had an affair. He had already had his children, and
raised them. He was done. I mean he was 45 years old when I
was born, because he is 60 now. (I think that might be part
of Paul’s problem too. Maybe he is just really an ass
though. Who knows?) They were gonna get a divorce when mom
was pregnant, but hey decided not to. I guess I don’t
really remember much about them being together. I know that
they slept in different rooms, so it probably was pretty
bad. I’m surprised that they lasted as long as they did.
Anyways… I’m off track. I think he’s always resented the
fact that my mom had me in the first place. That’s probably
why my sisters were little angles, and I’m the spawn of the
devil. They didn’t even live with him when they were
younger. I don’t even know what the hell is their problem.
I mean I can deal with the whole dad thing, because I guess
I could, or should have expected it. But them, I just can’t
even comprehend how they can just write me off like that.
If you know me, then you know what a huge part of my life
they were. I men Melanie was probably almost equivalent to
a mother. She was definitely a parental figure. Now as my
dad said,” You are not part of this family any more, You’ve
just made the wounds to deep. Mel and Tracey will try to be
civil, but they are just so put out by what you have done.”
(It was something like that. I think that’s pretty damn
close to what he said) What about my freaking wounds? Um…
what did I do to you? I left when you said leave? Did I
make all of these wounds for following directions? Hello!
Who got kicked out of the house? Who do you give shit to
whenever I come over? It never stops from the second I walk
in the door till the second I leave. I don’t even know why
I’m still so upset. Every time I talk to him, then I leave
feeling like shit. Actually it starts within the first few
minutes. Hello you wonder why I don’t call and why I always
make excuses not to go over. Err my head hurts. I keep
going in circles over and over again. Why can’t I just
accept it, and move on? Why do humans even have emotions?
They are almost pointless, except for that rare time when
they are good ones. I think that I could deal with being
numb to everything. It really wouldn’t be so bad if you
think about it. The emotions that you think are good,
always lead to the bad emotions later, love, lust,
happiness, joy, proud, exc. You always end up falling on
your ass.

This is where I say I’ve had enough,
No one should ever feel the way that I fell now,
A walking open wound,
A trophy display of bruises,
And I don’t think that I’m getting better.
Any better…

It’s not even emotions that I have such a problem with,
it’s hope. Without hope there is never any disappointment.
You can’t ever be let down, if you don’t hope for anything.
Yet then you never have any of the good things. Yet again
it’s those things that drop you on you ass again, and
again. It’s definitely a lose, lose situation that we have
all been put into. Ooh well life sucks then you move on,
then it sucks some more this process goes on forever, then
you die.




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