Cath

my so called life
2002-08-29 17:18:53 (UTC)

4 nights in paradise

Saturday at about 9 pm I went on the bus to go see Ben!! :)
I was going to meet him at the trainstation, since he
didn't know where I live. This town is pretty much bigger
than my hometown, so of course, I got kind of lost :D So I
was a little late, but just five minutes or so. He called
as I was getting close to the station and told me where he
was standing. He was on the other side of the bridge that I
just started crossing. We hung up and started walking
toward each other. And seriously, seeing him was the best
feeling ever. I spotted him about hundred meters ahead and
my whole body started tingeling. As he got closer, I saw
that he looked so good! He was wearing his uniform and his
hear was longer than the last time I saw him. I love when
his hair isn't too short.. cause it starts curling around
his ears and it's so cute. He was tanned and all smiles. He
waved and we walked toward each other. He was like 'Hi..'
and I just threw my arms around him and held him so close.
I can't describe what it felt like to put my arms around
him, to feel his cheek against mine, to feel his arms
around me. It was truly perfection. I could barely speak,
we just held each other for several minutes. Then he kissed
me and we looked into each other's eyes. I swear, it was
like a movie. He said 'It's so good to see you again,' and
we hugged again. I thought I had realized how much I've
missed him, but as we started walking, holding hands, I
realized that I've missed him more than I thought possible.
We were just both so happy, it's one of the best moments in
my life.
He stayed with me from Saturday night till Wednesday
morning. There was a lot of hugging and kissing, basically
a lot of touching. We went for a walk in town, we went out
for pizza, and we went to the movies to see Men In Black
II. We made dinner and watched tv and just realaxed. The
time passed by way too fast, suddenly it was Tuesday
evening and our last night together. As we went to bed, I
got so upset, I couldn't help but cry. I knew that in only
9 hours he would leave me again, and it broke my heart. He
felt so bad and said he wouldn't leave, but we both knew he
had to. If he didn't, the military-police would come
looking for him. So I pretty much cried myself to sleep in
his amrs and he stayed up most of the night watching me
sleep.
The good-bye scene wasn't as heartbreaking as the last
time, because there was a lot of people on the busstop,
including my friend Frida. But I had tears in my eyes and
yesterday wasn't exactly the best day ever.

Well, he called this morning and he's getting shipped way
up north. That sucks :(((
It's expensive to come see me, so I won't see him much this
year :(
To be completely honest, I don't know if it'll work out. I
don't know if I can handle the distance.. I miss him so
much and it's hard.. It's not like I want to meet someone
else, cause he's all I've ever wanted, but a year is a long
time. And the pain is so great and absorbing. Just thinking
about it makes my cry right now, so I think I have to get
it out of my mind.. Some guys from my class are going out
tonight, so maybe I'll go with them.. Staying home, crying
my heart out sounds tempting, but I won't make any friends
that way.. Oh, love is so hard sometimes.
If there is a God, he must be truly cruel to give me
someone as perfect as Ben and then don't let me be with
him. There are times I wonder if it would have been better
if we never became more than friends, but then he'll call
or I'll remember how perfect things are when we're
together. They say it is better to have loved and lost than
to never have loved, and that it's better to be sad because
you miss someone than to be sad because your heart is
empty. I guess that is true, but it still hurts. Hurts a
lot.




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