Jack's Twisted Kingdom
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2002-08-29 17:06:22 (UTC)

Reasons to have sex...

Sex as a Tranquilizer -
"I always sleep 100% better after sex. I'm an actor, so if I have
anxiety the night before a performance, I don't sleep that well. So on
those nights I make sure to have some sex. It's the greatest
tranquilizer I've found. And there are no side effects. It's pretty
addictive, though." - Sammy Dunlop, Actor

Sex as a Reward -
"If my wife does me a favor or something really nice for me, then I'll
eat her pussy for an extra-long time. My wife is a real sweetheart. My
friends ask why she's so nice." - Terry Williamson, Physical Education

Sex to Fight Addiction -
"I've been trying to quit smoking cigarettes for years. As of today, I
haven't had a smoke in 42 days. Sex is the one thing that really seems
to help when I get a craving. It takes my mind right off the cigarettes
totally. The hard part is after sex, because then I really want a
smoke." - Les Clark, Art Director
(Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. - M.F.)

Sex as a Laxative -
"I have a lifelong constipation problem. I've noticed that there is a
direct correlation between my constipation and my sex life. I get real
constipated when I'm not having sex regularly, and I'm fine if I'm
having sex. I also think it's good to have a lover massage my anus with
her finger. I think it's healthy. And it feels so good." - Jimmy
Turnowski, Attorney

Sex to Get to Know Someone -
"I find that having sex with someone is a great way to get to know
them. That's why I still like to fuck on the first date. I can tell a
lot about a person by fucking them." - Janet Rivera, Real Estate Agent

Sex as Meditation -
"I use masturbation as my primary form of meditation. I put on some
space music, put in my vibrator then empty my mind and just float. It's
incredible. It helps me get in touch with my emotions. Sometimes I'll do
affirmations and pray while I masturbate. I focus inward and just love
myself. I think of my masturbation rituals as my path to enlightenment."
- Katrina Rainbow, New Age Girl

Sex to Make Money -
"I use sex to make a lot of money. It's that simple" - Susie Que, Prostitute

Sex for Magic -
"I'm in a witches coven. If we want to accomplish something very
important we use sex in our magic ceremonies. It's called "sex magic."
It's the most powerful form of magic we do. It always works. Once we
raised $25,000 for an orphanage in Mexico with sex magic." - Jane
Contrella, Witch

Sex for Manipulation -
"I'm in the music business, which is a really rough business. I use sex
to get what I want. I got a nice little recording contract with only one
blowjob. With sex you get them at their most vulnerable." - D.C. ,Lead
Singer in a Rock Band

Sex for Gardening -
"I know this sounds a bit strange, but I have a beautiful garden. and I
jerk off onto my plants. I love jerking off outdoors; so I figure while
I'm at it, I'll kill two birds with one stone, and sprinkle my sperm
onto a plant that needs a little extra care. I figure if sperm can
create a life, it must be a good fertilizer." - Jonathan Dunlap,
Interior Decorator

Sex to Increase Energy -
"I was living with a guy, and we were going to start a T-shirt
business. We worked day and night to get it off the ground. We used sex
to keep us awake and full of energy. My lover would fuck me, but not
have an orgasm. So we would fuck six, seven, eight times a day just to
get our energy up. The business was a big succes, until I left him. Then
it went quickly down hill." - Nora Govan, Pot Dealer

Sex as a Gift -
"For my best friend's 40th birthday, I sent her this very sexy, hot, 22
year old guy to make love to her. She said it was the best present
she'd ever had in her entire life." - Carol Sternhell, Modeling Agent

Sex to Wake Up -
"I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I fucking hate alarm clocks. The best
way to get me out of bed is to fuck me hard and fast for just a few
minutes. A nice, wild quickie first thing in the morning, and I'm wide
awake, baby." - Robin Spear, Bartender

Sex to Cure Back Pain -
"I hurt my back doing gymnastics when I was a teenager. Now sometimes
my lower back really hurts. One thing I found that really helps is anal
sex. I sewar to God, it really works." - Bubbles Delight, Stripper

Sex to Keep Warm in the Winter -
"We like to go skiing up in the Catskills. If we stay in a cabin and
there's not a lot of heat, what better way to stay warm than to make
mad, passionate love? It's better than an electric blanket any day." -
Scott Chelnk, Writer/Editor

Sex as a Cream Rinse -
"In high school we would try to get girls to suck our dicks by telling
them that sperm made their hair real shiny. None of them beleived me,
but I'll betcha it's true." - Michael Cyril, Costumer

Sex for Stress Reduction -
"Some men like to go to the bar during lunch hour to relax. I like to
visit my lover. Then I return to work totally relaxed, which lasts about
an hour, because I have a high pressure job." - Charles Lenhoff,

Sex as a Spiritual Experience -
"Being so totally and completely in love with my mate, I find that sex
can be a manifestation of godliness. When we connect, I feel at one with
the Earth, with God and with Life. I feel so whole and complete and so
holy and nourished." - Rubin Howard, Nursery School Teacher

Sex for Excercise -
"Sex is great for maintaining physical fitness. My girlfriend has
really hard thighs from being on top. It's great excercise. She demands
that I don't come until she finishes her thigh workout. And look at my
arms. That's just from pumping nookie. It's good for the heart. You
know, cardiovascular stuff. It's the only excercise I do, and I'm in
great shape." - Bob Dee Widder, Jewelery Salesman

Sex for Thrills and Adventure -
"My boyfriend and i live dangerously. We have all kinds of wild sexual
adventures. Last week we were at the movies, and he was playing with my
pussy the whole time. It was raining and we were under an umbrella with
raincoats on. No one could tell what we were doing. It was exciting." -
Kitty Wichner, Dietician

Sex for a Laugh -
"I love to laugh in bed. Sex can be really funny." - Georgio Deano,
Pizza Shop Owner

Sex as a Cure for Baldness -
"In my early 20s I was still a hippie, and I had this great long hair.
Suddenly, it stsrted coming out in big clumps. I had this brainstorm
that if semen could make new people, maybe it could make new hair. So at
night before I went to sleep, I would masturbate and rub it all over my
scalp. When I woke up in the morning it would be all dried up, shrunk,
almost painful. Then I'd wash it out. It definitely worked. My hair
stopped falling out. I've used a similar treatment for acne." - Fitugu
Tadesse, Zoologist

Sex for Voice Training -
"I'm studying singing, and I was really having trouble with a
particualr phrase. My teacher is great. He said, 'Think of this
microphone as a cock, and make love to it with your voice, like a sort
of blowjob with sound.' So I tried it, and it worked great. Now I have a
microphone fetish!" - Debora Kovacs, Up and Coming Singer

Sex to Acheive Altered States -
"If I'm having really great sex, all kinds of amazing things happen. I
leave my body and have an out of body experience. I become breathed by
the universe, and I go into trance states. I've even had revelations and
awakened memories of past lives." - Arthur Abarbanel, Crystal Salesman

Sex for Mosquito Bites -
"When I was 18, I moved out of my parent's house to a little house in
the country. On my first night, I woke up with a billion mosquito bites.
I hadn't bought screens for the windows yet. So I open the medicine
cabinet, and there's no Calamine lotion. So I figured I needed something
soothing and liquid. Yogurt and sperm were all I had. So I tried them
both. They both worked." - Darryl Stipanela, Law Student

Sex for a Good Deed -
"There was this really fat girl, the fattest girl in all of Woodstock.
We were talking one night, and she confessed to me that the worst part
of being fat was that she hadn't had sex in three years. So I told her,
being the nice guy that I am, that I would have sex with her. I didn't
really want to do it, but I climbed on board. It was like being on a
rubber raft in the ocean. I fucked her for a good hour. She totally came
to life. Her eyes were sparkling. It was beautiful to watch. The only
problem was that afterward she wouldn't leave me alone." - Marco Vassi,
Erotic Writer

Sex as Art -
"I'm a very creative person. I like to express myself. They say sex is
an art. I see it that way, just like painting or performing. I can
express myself creatively and imaginitively through sex. And beleive me,
I'm very creative. Very." - Tanya Le Oiep Modern Dancer

So, there you have 101 uses for sex. Well, not quite 101 but close enough.

Remember "Sex - it's what you make of it."


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