Lost and Searching
2002-08-29 05:17:21 (UTC)

Why Isn't Life Perfect

Yesterday and today were excellent days except for the
nights......I was able to keep my mind on things other than
dying and Justin, but i couldn't get anthony to leave my
mind......Hell my illness even was out of the picture for a
long time....

Doesn't help when you are babysitting a young baby to
remind you that there are things in life worth living and
worth staying around for...but then the day gets over and
nights come....

This whole week haven't really heard from justin which i am
not sure what is going on....its really hard for me not to
get attached to someone, b/c back in my mind i keep
thinking to myself that you have to get to know this person
as quickly as possible so that way when i pass i will have
touched as many lives as possible.....and the ironic thing
about that statement is that i am very particularly who i
let close to me.......

Most times in life i feel like a watcher, someone who sets
the plays in motion and then stands back and watched the
pieces perfect example is introducing net
to joba (who i had a great infactuation with), i had never
seen joba take a sudden interest in some one, like he did
with her, and i just sat back and kept my emotions inside,
i not really sure what hurts worse, seeing the fella you
like go after your best friend in the world or getting a watcher when she asked if it was alright if
she went home with him i said yes, but as soon as i left i
lost it, i was tired of people calling me a bitch and all
that shit, when deep down i am just as lonely as can