SinisterKisses

Sanity is overated
2002-08-29 04:40:05 (UTC)

Well, where the hell have I been????

Yeah, so it's been a damn eternity since I wrote in
this thing. Work has been keeping me busy though and the
last thing I have been wanting to do is come home and type
something meaningful or thought provoking, hell even
something stupid, takes more energy than I have been
willing to put out. I have been keeping a real journal
though and have written just about everyday in it. It's
weird, if I had a laptop at work, I would have so many
entries in here, but well, I don't so I end up making hand
written entries in my other journal and nothing ends up
here. So, apease the guilt I have been suffering from not
writting here, I'm going to post some of the entries I have
been keeping in my real journal.

************************************************************

8/8/02

Elicia is moving out of Kev's apartment today and thus far,
he isn't acting any differently than normal. Were it me
going through that I would be a mess. I want to ask him
about it, to see if he's ok, but that guy disposition keeps
me from it. I'm worried for him though, even if I have no
reason to be.

I don't know it makes me think back to Steve (*Authors
note: Steve is my ex bf, never talk about him because there
was nothing good that came from that relationship*) and I
living apart. He used it as a way to ease me into being
away from him to break up w/ me. The anger I still harbor
from that makes me a little angry w/ Elicia in a way. If
she does that to him, I'll be pissed as hell.

Why do people who suppsoderly love you do that to you? No,
I'm not the victim, I've fucked up plenty, but it feels
like Elicia and Brendan both place all the blame and accept
none. After our last big fight, Brendan saw some of that.
He saw how he's ripped me apart in some ways. I've always
just wanted to BE WITH him.

But's let's turn it back on me, why do I pick at him all
the time? I do pick on him a ;lot, but if he picks on me,
I freak out. So many double standards.

Why are relationships like this? All the psychosis and
bullshit, when it's pretty damn simple. If you love one
another why can't you just decide to be with each other
without trying to gain control or change one another or do
things for no other reason than being selfish????

Everyone is so damn worried about being alone, and do
nothing but force themselves into becominging alone.
Unreal.

Oak has abandonment issues and worries that Pam will leave
him. In trying to keep her from leaving, he breaks her
down and makes her feel bad about herself and treats her
like shit. That makes her want to break up with him.
HUH?!?!?! Why don't we see how much that makes no sense??
Days like today I don't understand it and want to, but most
days I do a lot of the same type of things. I break
Brendan down and he does it to me also, everyday - pathetic.

*Later, same day*

Kev came down before he left and complained about having to
move today, but I couldn't tell if he was doing it out of
annoyance or hurt. He has to be hurt, but I don't know if
he'll allow himself to show it around anyone. Still I wish
he would say SOMETHING.

!@#New Tangent#@!

Why are some people just completely and totally cool and
others just assholes?? It's the nature of people, I
suppose, but it never ceases to baffle me. Sometimes it's
funny, others just sad. My day would be so much better if
everyone was just corgial. I don't need anyone to be
overly nice and ayrupy sweet, I just want them to not
complain, realize I'm just the idiot behind the counter and
go on w/ your day. Ifs it's too expensive, go somewhere
else and don't complain to me, because I don't make the
prices or really care. Maybe in a perfect world.....

************************************************************

8/9/02

Why am I always looking for answers in other people?? Why
search for so much validation when the validation I really
want (need) is from me?? Noone but me is going to convince
me that I am worth anything. It's so goddamn hard and I do
want to accept myself, but I'm somany things I don't want
to be, and I worry that I'll never change.

"Pros and Cons of Me"

Pros:
I'm funny,
I'm sympathetic,
I'm intelligent,
I'm nice,
I'm a good person,
I'm sincere,
I'm moderately attractive,
I'm mostly honest,
I have a firm grasp on most things,
I'm an awesome friend

Cons:
I'm fat,
I'm manipulative,
I'm mean sometimes,
I lie sometimes,
I take advantage of people,
I'm impulsive in the worst way,
I keep things bottled inside,
I hide behind my weight

************************************************************

8/14/02

I LOVE how some people can just go out of there way to make
you feel like a complete and utter dipshit. Older woman
comes in and gets 2 evians (naives?) and pays with a $20.
I hand and count her back her change, but 2 NEW $5's were
sticking together so I had to double count. Obviously,
this makes me and ignorant ass and she recounts the moneys
in front of me all laid out on the table. Like I'm so
fucking stupid I can't possibly give the right
change....whore.

Is it so goddamned hard to just be halfway decent to
people? I smiled and said hi when she came in and thanked
her, all that shit to get her treating me like I am some
useless mass. Just because I have a shitty job doesn't
mean I'm stupid or unworthy of being treated in the same
manner in which I treated her. This is why I hate people -
at least the catagory of person she falls into. Halfway
through the week, just 2 more shifts, it'll all be over
soon.

**more 8/14/02

Take take a lot of pride in believing they are unique but
is anyone? In close proximity tonight a group of
gamer/goth kids came in and then a bit later a group of
pagans came in (note: I knew they were pagan because they
hung a flier and meet monthly at the food court). Both
groups of people looked identical to one another. All the
gamers kids wore black and had long hair and huge
bookbags. The pagans were all larger women and one
scraggly man, all wearing pentagrams and smelling of
patchouli. Everyone is trying so hard to be different to
just end up assimilating to a group.




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