2001-07-17 21:41:56 (UTC)

wanting to live and to die

My dad is the biggest jerk I know. He's constantly arguing
with me and telling me to go on birth control pill! It's
stupid, I'm not going to get myself pregnant, at least I
dont think so. I've been doing a lot of physical contact
with my boyfriend and I feel it might be too much. I mean I
do enjoy it, and he's a great guy, but I feel that maybe I
might end up doing something that I'm going to regret. ANd
you know how it is, it's like impossible to say no,
especially to your boyfriend! SOmetimes I just want to die.
But I have a best friend who's pulled through a lot so I
might be able to manage. I get so sad, and I hate it. I can
be really mean and tuff when somebody wants to fight and
they get me angry. But sometimes I get so sad, and I like
want to cry and break down because if I'm not angry I can
feel emotional pain and it sucks! THis girl really fucked
up my boyfriends life and my best friend's life. In a way I
feel so sorry for her, but then she did ruin their lives.
she's going through a lot too, but I just cant decide
anything, I mean I know what she did was wrong but I think
she's just a lost soul and maybe she needs somelove. then
again i could be wrong but she seems pretty nice to me. I
always make mistakes. and then i feel so shity. I mean i am
real proud when I do something right but recently that
hasn't been too often. My boyfriend says i ignore warnings,
and It's true but It's not my fault. I am just me. Next
year I might be switching schools and I'm excited. I
remember after grade 7 i told myself I never wanted to
change schools again. I am pretty popular for a grade 7 at
my current school but some of the people there aren't like
me. They dont share the same interests and they think you
have a be a certain way to fit in. I can make myself fit in
anywhere but It wouldn't mean I find it comfortable. The
school that I'm probaly going to go to is probaly where
I'll fit in most. I just know it. My best friend and my
wonderful boyfriend who I love goes there. I Hope My dad
offically says yes to letting me go there.