LightCantTouchMe

A Strange One Indeed
2002-08-28 07:39:56 (UTC)

And the clock keeps ticking away in my head, slowly driving me insane...

Hey, Mr. Journal thing! How's it going!? I have a few
things to say to you, dammit! Ok, well, I showed a lot more
of myself to Sam than I was really comfortable with, but I
figured that I had to tell someone before keeping it to
myself drove me insane. I basically told her I was a
vengeful psychopath, and she took it pretty well,
considering. I guess she wasn't scared b/c she knows I
wouldn't hurt her. I am such a damn weirdo, and I have
depths that not even she can conceive. If I can teach her
to open up her mind as much as I have, she could
understand, but I can't and WON'T do that. It causes so
much pain, and an endless struggle with your own mind. She
doesn't deserve that, and even though I can feel that she's
close to understanding, I'm not going to help her achieve
madness. It just hurts so damn much, and yet I feel its
worth it. I have this understand and perspective of things
that no one else even comes close to, like I'm standing on
a stage above everyone else, and I can see their souls,
their flaws, their truths and lies, I can see their
realities. They are laid bare to me, and it feels good, but
in order to open my mind to such things, I had to look over
the edge into insanity, and actually jump into that dark
place, and then climb back out. I'm connected to it now
though, and I have to fight to stay sane, until I am with
her. She makes everything disappear, INSTANTLY. I would
definitely call it a miracle, but then again, why would I
expect less from my goddess, my beautiful angel? I wish she
only knew...when I tell her that I love her more, I do, and
that is taking into account her natural love, her love for
me for who I am, her love for me for helping her become who
she is today, and her love for everything else I have made
good in her life. My love is almost an obssession. Its so
strange, like all my emotions are right on the edge of
dangerous, but they won't go over, not even if I try to
push them. Its pretty cool, cause I can have super intense
emotions like happiness without having to be insane, but I
also have sadness, and anger, and things liek that, that
hurt so much more with this new power of feeling. When I
get depressed, its not so much depressed, but suicidal
without me wanting to kill myself, so basically I get stuck
right on the edge with all my emotions. Love, too, if it is
obsessive, can be bad, but I am not obsessive, even though
I am bordering on it. The difference is that while I do not
try to control my emotions, I don't let them control me. I
am unstable and yet balanced, and I am attuned to my soul
and emotions, so everything seems to work out with it. Ok,
I think I just randomly typed something to end that last
sentence, after the comma, so I think I'm gonna go. I know
you'll read this, my angel, and I thank you for all the
love you've shown me even when everyone else would have
shunned me. You'll never know just how much you mean to
me:) I love you so much!

Dark clouds and darker skies,
My life is full of promised lies,
They balance at a crazy tilt,
My soul still lives, and yet it wilts.
My imagination has run free,
I think its run away with me,
To a land of love and strange truths revealed,
My life, with love, has now been sealed.

N




Ad: