Scenes from a Marriage
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2001-07-17 19:23:58 (UTC)

Tuesday, July 17th

I feel a little better today, though my mind keeps shifting
from the "keep your chin up" to "end it all". The only
thing that stops me from the second option is Ben and how
he would feel to be without a mother. I feel like checking
into the psych ward just to get a vacation. That is pretty
bad. I feel the urge to call my psycharitrist and go
before my appointment on the 28th, but that is only a week
away and hopefully I can hold it together until then.

I was hubby's personal secretary last night, making his
maps for his route, while he went to Bingo. Which is okay
because bingo helps pay for hockey.

I had to meet the social worker by myself, but it was okay
because it was a big farce anyway, she just had to come out
and we just chatted about things. She said Pat had made
the recommendation to split the boys, but the final say was
on the attorney. So here we sit waiting to find out
something about the situation that we are supposed to be
preparing them for and we don't even know anything that is
going to happen. Are they taking one or both? When? Who
is coming to get them? What info do we need to return?
The list goes on and on.....Jordan to me is a lost cause at
this point and I am simply tolerating him until he leaves.
I know that is horrible to say about a child, but he just
really scares me. I mean I hope he gets all his problems
worked out and that he turns out to be a good guy, but I am
afraid that is not what is going to happen with him. I am
afraid he is going to end up in a mental hospital someplace
or in jail.

My mom said last night that I am working all the time to
avoid my problems at home, and that making a decision even
if it is the wrong one is better than making no decision at
all. I am just afraid of making a HUGE mistake either way,
I mean if I leave Michael then he will hook up with
whomever and be gone, when he could have changed for me and
we could have gotten back together. If I don't leave then
there is a chance he will hurt me again this time maybe
worse....though at this point, murder would be the only
thing left.