Ruby Red

The Truth About Perfection
2001-07-17 17:19:39 (UTC)

#2 - Just Friends?

Okay, things are a little crazy here. John and I talk on
the phone for an hour or two every evening and we talk
about everything. And I mean everything. We always seem
to talk about the "creepy subject" and he calls it, or in
other words, kissing. He always asks me if I'd kiss him
and he said he would so I would too. But, everytime I see
him I feel kind of awkward sitting there alone with him.
He came over when Cassie slept over and they were snuggly
and I was so jealous but I didn't show it. Then after the
three of us went to the Mall he came over until eleven and
we almost had some moments. He wanted to go to the park
away from my mom so we could and I was so scared that I
gave him some dumb reason why we couldn't. Then the next
day he was with Cassie and almost made out with her. I
don't know if he's a player or just likes a lot of girls.
But until he decides to not play with everyone's emotions,
I can't kiss him and feel right.
He told me what you have to do to graduate up to a kiss.
Hold someone until you know it's right, look them deeply in
the eyes, and then kiss. It sounds too easy and I really
want to do that with him, it's just that I'm scared to even
try. Plus if I did, it'd change things between us a little
bit and Cassie really likes him and she would never speak
to me again if we did. So you see my dilemma diary, I
don't know whether I like him enough to be a little more
than friends or if I want to hurt Cassie. He's a better
friend than her because he listens, understands, and
responds perfectly. He has complimented me on many things,
even though we purposely try to annoy eachother. It's all
I can do to not think about him, even when i run i think
about it. It's beginning to bother me.
I can't stand that I make up things to him and lie to him
about things. It makes me mad that almost everything we
have was based on a lie. Keyword, was. I've told him
almost everything and he still wants to know what I really
think about him. But he can't know what I really think
because he feels it too, and I like things the way we are.
It makes me want to cry knowing I can't tell him everything
and to hear him hint to him loving me as more than a
friend. He told me there are a lot of kinds of love. How
you love your parents and siblings, how you love a friend,
and how you love a girlfriend. I knew what he was getting
at but he's always leading me on and I am not okay with him
making out with other girls all the time and liking so many
people. I hate myself for even considering a player like
I need a break from writing. Talk to you later.