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2001-07-17 15:59:59 (UTC)


Monday, February 05, 2001
Shit really does roll down hill. I had to fix my
computer, then my Proactive ran out, then I got sick, then
my car fucked up, then I missed work, and now my car is
still fucked up end I need to bum rides off of people, and
I got to cash my check but I got no ride home so I hope I
can ride a bus and I gotta wake up early and now I have to
buy a new car even though I’m going to CA and have to buy
something for Linds for our anniversary and Valentine’s Day.
Whew. Did I leave anything out?
I was just thinking today about a little quote from
someone I read a while back:
“I’m not sure God wants us to be happy. I think he
wants us to love, and be loved. But we are like children,
thinking that our toys will make us happy and the whole
world is our nursery. Something must drive us out of that
nursery and into the lives of others, and that something is
--CS Lewis.
Although some of that doesn’t make sense (like
driving out of the world and into the lives of others.
Aren’t others living in the world?), some of it does. I
think the point it is driving at is that when we are
children, our toys are all we need to keep us happy. As we
get older, we need to love and we need to be loved. The
only way that we can possibly make a transfer from one to
the other is through suffering. Through suffering we grow
up and are loved.
Why was I thinking that while I was bitching about
my car? Because even though suffering makes us grow up,
there are only certain types of suffering in which this is
true. You can’t get in an accident on the way home from
Best Buy, wrecking your computer, and call that suffering.
Only through loving suffering (I call it. That’s where you
love someone and they don’t love you back, or something
like that) do we grow up. When people make us suffer, we
grow up. When money makes us suffer, we grow old.
Money is evil. I know that now. I went through
every possible alternative in my head in this little money
crisis of mine. Here’s what I came up with:
1) Work an extra day during the week and therefore make an
extra $200 a month in order to pay for a car. If necessary
I can dip into my savings and pay for it.
2) Stop working altogether. This way I can just dip into
my savings in order to live. I won’t need a car because I
won’t have anywhere I need to go.
Personally, I like the second one the best. I mean, I
would have more time to dedicate to my arts. Of course,
knowing me, I would never do that. I just remember being
really happy last year when I didn’t have a job. I never
did anything and I don’t remember being happier. That’s
when I met Lindsay, you know.
“Happiness isn't something you experience; it's
something you remember.”
-- Oscar Levant

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