Adventures in Incompetence
2001-07-17 08:25:26 (UTC)

More inane smutty ramblings, a.k.a. Free the Sex Toys!

I know it's been a while since I've last posted, and I
apologize to all of my dedicated readers *cough
perverts cough* who have been left in the dark without
any way of entertaining themselves (Yes, we all know
how tiring it gets typing with one hand...). I was busy
incurring approximately $2,500 worth of damage to my
car. Let's just say that I had a battle with a railing at a
gas station, and the railing won. I swear, they must
camouflage those things or something so they can
watch hapless new drivers smash into them

Anyhow, today we'll be discussing a few of topics. The
first of which is... *drumroll please*... the mating habits
of bisexual llamas!! No, just kidding, though I must
admit that it *is* an intriguing topic. Actually, I'd like to
take a moment to discuss yet another facet of female
sexuality: the ever ubiquitous DILDO!! Now, I can
already hear my friends thinking what a freak I am for
venting about this publicly. But that's just because I
really have nothing better to do with my time, and I have
several strongly feminist rolemodels in my life, so I've
been encouraged on many occasions to discuss this
sort of thing. (For all of you males out there entertaining
lesbian fantasies, you can forget about it right now. Zip
up your pants and put away the whipped cream.)

Here's my first rant: Did you know that you have to be 18
years of age to purchase any sexual 'toys', including
vibrators? Yes, it's true. No, I did not learn that the hard
way. I just happen to know. Now, I think that that's a bit
unfair. Here's why:

Teenagers are highly sexual beings. They're almost at
their peak (reproductively speaking) and, let's face it,
the hormones really don't do much to remedy the fact.
Teen boys have it easy. The majority of males become
intimately acquainted with their 'little friends' by the time
they hit puberty. I mean, how can a guy NOT beat his
meat? It's just hanging out there like a puppy in the
middle of the street, waiting to be shown love and
affection. All guys have to do is make a fist and go to
town. For girls, it's not as easy. Females can't just get
off on touching themselves. They have to be
psychologically invested in the act. They have to be
fantasizing and building up to something. Plus, the
female genitalia is more mysterious than male
genitalia. It's the difference between hopping onto a
horse (for guys), and trying to find a contact lens in a
big dark cave (for girls).

Some girls just don't know how to touch themselves. I
am not ashamed to admit that I am among those
unfortunate people, but not for the same reason. I suffer
from the stigmas put in place by years of catholic guilt. I
know logically that touching oneself is not bad. But
emotionally, I can't help but feel that doing it is dirty. So I
don't. I am happy for people who can do such services
unto themselves, but personally I can't stomach it.
Which really is a shame. But I've learned to live with it.
Anyway, back to my point, girls at this age are inundated
with hormones and sexual signals, yet many of them
are afraid or ashamed or ignorant when it comes to
expressing themselves with their own bodies. So they
turn to boys who are more than willing to help them
become 'experienced'. Unfortunately, the day that teen
guys learn how to get a girl off is the day that the Pope
admits to being gay.

Now, why shouldn't teens be able to have access to
things like dildos, so they can explore sexuality in the
safety of their own bodies? If a girl learned how to
satisfy herself rather than trying to get something from a
guy, wouldn't that cut down on risky sexual encounters?
Now I'm NOT saying that a dildo is a substitute for a
real penis. well, for some people it is. But what I am
saying is that being able to find release one one's own
would make it easier to wait to become intimate in
relationships, because there would be a way to release
sexual tension.

So there's my gripe. Now, as a break from that horribly
boring rant, I will entertain you all with a dildo-related

Last year I invited some of my friends to go see the
Rocky Horror Picture Show at the local theatre, which
plays there at midnite once a month. We made it a
sleepover. (Dammit, didn't I tell you to zip up your
pants? There is no lesbian action going on!). Anyway, it
was evening and we had a few hours to kill. So we
decided to go over to my sister's house. Her roommate
(I'll call her "Jane") has an extensive collection of CDs,
and invited us to come over and make copies of any we

So there we were, sitting in the Jane's room, sifting
through mountains of music, when my ever social
nephew and niece decided to pay us a visit. They
toddled in and started amusing themselves, stealing
candy from the desk, and so forth. Suddenly, my niece
(3) pulls something out from under Jane's bed,
exclaiming, "OOOH!! Massager!!" All heads turned in
her direction as she flipped the little red button, starting
the motor on the powerful little love-wand. I will point out
that this was a Hitachi vibrator, which is NOT the same
as a dildo. It is not meant to go inside of the body, only
to be used outside of the body. It has a huge white
head and has the horsepower of a jackhammer. No, it's
not shaped like a penis. But it's purpose is
unmistakeable. Now, "Jane" was not in the room at the
time, so all we could really do was turn horribly red and
stutter while my niece happily proceeded to "massage"
my nephew's back with it. My sister chose that moment
to pop in and check on her kids. She nearly turned
purple when she saw her son using the vibrator as a
microphone, belting out the latest Backstreet Boys
song. Needless to say, the kids were quickly moved out
of the area and we were left alone again.

So, we did what any other normal teens would do. We
took the vibrator back out and played with it. (No, not like
THAT). And for the record, we knew it wasn't "soiled" or
anything, because it's only used outside of the clothes
(at least that's what "Jane" said to us. She wasn't
embarrassed at all. She just kind of laughed.) We
figured out that if you hold it up to your throat while
talking you can do a decent Darth Vader impression.

After that, "Jane" offered to buy me a vibrator of my own.
I politely declined, seeing as how I'd have no use for it,
and though it would be amusing to tinker around with, I
wouldn't want to get caught with it at home.

Here's another interesting snippet: My sister, when she
was a teen, used to do a lot of babysitting for a variety of
people. Being of a curious nature, she often did a little
snooping in the bedrooms and bathrooms of the
people she was babysitting for, once the kids were
asleep. I know, it's bad and irresponsible and invasive.
Yep, there's no mistaking that we're related ;) She
sometimes found really interesting stuff. Once she
found a cache of sex toys that would put Pamela
Anderson to shame. Sometimes she'd find solitary
vibrators hidden away under the woman's side of the
bed. Just goes to show that men aren't always the
'masters of the bedroom' they think they are. I don't
babysit for many people, so I don't think I'd find much.
The one couple I babysit for regularly has such a bad
marriage that I doubt they've touched each other in
years. Anyway, that concludes our little dildo
discussion. I'm tired and it's past 1am. I have to work

Oh by the way, I've gotten a few questions from zealous
individuals regarding all kinds of stuff, such as, "Should
I wax or shave my *area* before I go on vacation?"
(Waxing hurts like a bitch. Shaving is messy and
difficult. Use a scissors to trim, get the rest
professionally done. This is what I've heard, since I've
never had the urge to go bare in that respect)
So I've decided to indulge you all, and provide a forum
for whatever questions you may have. Don't be shy. Ask
whatever the hell you want. I don't give a shit. I'll post the
questions and answers in diary entries so you all can
share the love.

But there's only one thing: you must send all questions
to a specific address. If you don't, I won't post them. So
send all your smutty inquiries to:
[email protected]

Bumblebee's word of advice: Guys, don't hit on
lesbians. You're deluding yourselves. THEY'RE
THREESOME WITH YOU!! You'd be better off fucking a
farm animal.

until next time! ~Bumblebee