The Life and Times of Dana Scully
2001-07-17 06:16:58 (UTC)

Depths of Darkness

In order to move on toward the future, one must come to
terms with what has happened in the past. Though these
words seem to ring true, it is not always that simple. I
order to face the past, one must open to the tremendous
crippling weight of the shame, guilt, regrets, fear and
overwhelming pain. How can someone as weak as me face this
challenge. I have fallen under the pressure. How will I
ever know what happiness is again. I have gotten so used
to death of the people around me, that I have forgotten
what it is like to live. I do not remember what is like to
not keep loosing. I do not know what it is like to feel
loved anymore. The one I love distances himself from me.
Whether is it because of me or fear of loosing me, I do not
know. Of coarse I hope it is the latter of the two, but
how can I be sure. He never tells me how he feels. When I
ask, he claims not to know. When someone proves they love
you and then says they do not know if they do, what can one
do? Due to these situations, I feel powerless to move. I
do not know if I will ever see the light of day again. I
do not know if I will ever be able to not feel pain. I do
not know if I will ever be able to truly smile again. I
feel lost. To feel his arms around me and know he loves me
could make me happy again, but the unknown thrusts me even
further into the abyss. So, I wait, stairing at the wall
like I am insane. I do not move. I do not speak. I