Mandy Kay

Tales of Life as a Good Girl
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2001-07-17 04:57:15 (UTC)

The PMS Rages, The Beat Goes On

Current music: None. I can't even think.
Current mood: Blown.
Not in the drug or alcohol sense, just that state
where you're physically tired, mentally worn. Know? I
can't even remember what I wrote about last or even what
day it is..gimme a minute. Oooh yeah. Ok.
So. Yesterday was Sunday, when my entry got erased by
some evil whim on the computer's behalf. I'm apologizing
for that little rage moment. Basically the only thing in
my life right now is that PMS is alive, not well, but
raging within me. I know it's not really something to
share..but it's a fact of life. I think I have PMDD. I
forget what the letters actually mean, but it's recently
been discovered as an actual disorder, having to do with
serious hormone imbalances during PMS, causin major
physical changes and EVIL mood swings. Yeah that's me.
You can get this stuff to treat it, Sarafem, which is like
a combo of Prozac lite and Midol. I really need to talk to
my mom about this b/c I really think I have a problem.
Either that or I'm bipolar, but that is not it at all, I'm
Basically, yesterday I was going to talk about the
ongoing saga with me and the guy that readers may now know
as simply you know who. I feel another mood swing coming
on. I'm at my breaking point...I seriously want to just
start bawling but I can't. I keep retaining hope that
everything will turn for the best b/c we are meant to be.
For some reason I still believe we are. I'm just so
relentless it surprises even me sometimes. Mom and Dad
think he's great, and great with me, for me, to me. But I
don't want to profess any feelings anymore. All I admit to
now really is a certain fondness that I know is returned in
a friend sort of way, but I'm hoping for more, despite the
fact that it's hopeless. I want to give up. He said I'll
call you tomorrow, which was Friday but it's now Monday and
I can only hope his phone broke. Guys, watch your words.
There's differences between calling later (sometime later
that day), calling back (ASAP that day), calling sometime
(sometime that week), calling when I get a chance (sometime
that week as well), but call you tomorrow means I WILL CALL
here, I've worked myself into a frenzy..
But still, I'm attempting to put myself on equal
ground b/c technically it's his turn to call me. Anali
says I'm throwing myself at him and I should be playing
hard to get. Well, damn...what if one WANTS to be
gotten? :) But I decided to try it, and I've made it a
point to not call him yet. I haven't, I'm really trying.
If he does call tomorrow, he'll get griped at big time when
he does call. But he better. On Friday that will be
exactly one week of not calling, and if I don't talk to him
then I will bitch at him HARDCORE. I'm not even lying.
That's not right. I shouldn't have too call him 24/7..even
if I want to. But it's hard..Hopefully when we do talk
we'll have one of our great 5 hour conversations.
Ahh...there's been 3 of those I think. A few have come
close too, and they're so wonderful.
Whatever feelings there may be seem an illusion when
we're apart, but all I can say is we're better in person I
guess. It sounds CHEEESY! but is true. I just never seem
to lose my faith. It's that church. It'll do it to ya.
Speaking of which, church yesterday was fun. I'm the
adult Sunday School class and the level of discussion has
been amazing. I feel I've thought so much more about my
faith, even only going 4 times. And even after 6 or 7
years of kid/youth class. Mom wants me to leave. WHAT?!
How dare she stifle my desire to learn. It's simply not
right. Dad talked to Becky, the other senior high class
teacher, about doing a study on the Methodist Book of
Discipline. Becky said it didn't matter, some kids don't
even care what we do b/c they don't care period. But the
Book of Discipline, it's the Methodist church's doctrine.
That's my current obsession right now..I have to get my
hands on a copy of it soon, I've been a Methodist for 15
years, and I don't even know what my church believes. (But
I do know we throw the best parties.) See how into this I
am and Mom wants me to quit the other class? Not cool! I
can't believe she wants me out..she says it's so I can be
with my know, peers right. Well ALL the
adults in that class know me anyway, some since I was
born!!! I'm not even exaggerating. The class teacher owns
a store, and Mom thinks I should ask for a job there b/c he
knows me and my family, and I have a good reputation
Unlike our ex-pastor's kid..she was an ALKI and a BIG
TIME slut, and both she and her sister worked there. That
chick was trouble! My dad's boss has a daughter that's in
the same grade at the same school with "the pastor's kid"
and the daughter was not even allowed to talk to the kid,
b/c they knew what she'd done. I could go on and on about
her..I have some stories you would not believe.
But back to the original thing, when regular class
starts up I have to leave and I'm very mad. It's not fair
at all, b/c when I go back, I'll return to not learning,
not caring. I'm on a bit of a smart kick right now, I
guess I've always been a nerd at heart. But it's all
good. Just like Big Bird says, Learning is Fun! Oh
whatev, you know you love me!
Today I got pictures made with the little bro, I was
lookin hot. Also bought another skirt. It has this slit
like whoa..and it's a size smaller than what I usually buy.
YESSS!! Even when PMS rages, you gotta admit, life is
still always good, all the time. ~mandy

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