starry nite

my own world
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2002-08-27 00:48:55 (UTC)

intentions......(a problem i need to deal with)

im ok i guess, very tired cuz i didnt get home til about 5
am. last nite i went and hung out with anthony. so, we
talked, he started the conversation about what our
intentions where and stuff which i was greatful for b/c i
really didnt know how to bring it up. anyway he said he
doesnt want a relationship right now with anyone and i told
him i didnt have any intentions, just basically see what
happens, nothing specific in mind, i just needed to
know what his were. but, i realized later on that
james has fucked me up more then i realized.
explanation.....anthony and i started kissing and
stuff, which i wanted to do, and then he started to go
up my shirt and suddenly i got all these flashbbacks
of thoughts james had put in my head. like the way he
had me convinced for the longest time that the only
thing guys ever wanted from me was sex and stuff like
that. and i started remembering when we used to have
sex, and he knew that i didnt want to but messed with
my head to that i said yes. so then i wanted to just
cry, i basically threw his hand off me and just sat
there and had tears in my eyes.i felt so fucking
stupid, and i just couldnt started to realize just how
much james had fucked me up emotionally and that i
really need to deal with it now, cuz obviously i didnt
work through my issues yet. well i seriously wanted to
just go home right then, i felt so stupid and i didnt
want to explain the whole james thing to anthony right
then cuz i didnt want to talk about it. well
eventually things got less weird and layed down and
talked. it was so nice to be held. we ended up doing
some stuff but he was totally cool with the fact that
i wasnt comfortable doing some stuff, unlike james who
would either be mean to me or just not stop.i ended up
sleeping next to him for a while which was so nice. i
just wished i could spend the nite but i had to leave
before morning. it was nice though. i just have to
figure out how to deal with the way james messed up my
head. maybe only time and seeing that other guys arent
like that will fix it...maybe.