My Life
2002-08-27 00:04:48 (UTC)

Back to School

I know it has been an extremely long time since I wrote
anything. I'll try to catch up on things. I think I left
off with the huge family fight about me going to
Orlando...well they got over it, and I went. I had a good
time, and while being there with my old roommate (and some
other friends), I remembered why I had to move out of my
old apartment. Too much immaturity. But like I said, for
the most part it was a really good trip.

So I get back and have to jump immediately into dealing
with my sister and her problems with wanting to move in to
my apartment. This of course brings on another giant
fight. My parents still don't understand why I'm not more
than happy to have my sister, who has a college degree and
is unemployed and living back at home, stay over at my
apartment every time she wants to go out in the city.
Whatever. So being the Drama Magnet that I am, there was
lots of drama, fighting, etc.

I ended up going home this weekend anyway because I wanted
to see my family before I started another semester. Of
course, everything went well and there was no fighting or
even discussion about the problems we're having. I don't
know if that was just yet another sign of our disfunciton
or if it was a good thing how we put our differences
aside. Who knows.

So now I'm busy with my student organization and classes
started today. I've been up since my 5:25 am workout with
Laura. And I'm exhausted. Just got home. It's 7 pm. I
guess I should get into what's bothering me and why I had
to write immediately when I walked in. I think I mentioned
Barrett before. I don't know what it is, but I have this
private infatuation with him. It could be just because
he's gay and I know he's gay. I do that with people. And
it's not like I even plan to do anything about it, but I
can live in my fantasy world where everything is fine and
we're together or whatever. I mean, I'm not obsessed or
anything, but it just makes me feel better sometimes when I
daydream to imagine a world where I'm not having to hide my
emotions inside.

So it took me a while to find out for sure that Barrett was
definately gay. I mean, I had enough evidence to be about
89% sure that he was, but over the past few weeks I've
gotten at least 10 additional percent on that. So I'm at
99%, and I'm not even doubting it. So he and I meet and
converse on a regular basis to do things for the
organization. As I mentioned before, I feel like it's
somewhat obvious what my sexual orientation is even without
spelling it out to people. I mean, there are straight
people who will ignore the evidence in an effort not to
think about it, but I always recognize that in people.
Even when it's hidden...I know what I'm looking for, and so
far I haven't been proven wrong. Having said that, I feel
like Barrett should pick up that I'm gay. If nothing else,
I just want to get out of this deal a gay friend or two
that I don't have to hide my identity from.

That leads me into today. It just seems now like that is
so far away from being possible. We were sitting with some
people in the union, and this cute guy comes up and shakes
Barrett's hand. They talk a little while, and he also
talks to the girl that was with us. She mentioned after
Cute Guy left that she used to go to school with him and
that he was her boyfriend in first grade. I laughed and
told her that I could still see the love between them when
he approached us. So we laughed, moved on, whatever. Well
I somewhat suspected that the dude might be gay because of
his association with Barrett and all. I mean, that was
such a stereotype and all, but it was just what I thought.
I didn't have enough time to evaluate the situation more
carefully and make a decision about what his sexuality
was. And, I was distracted by how attractive he was (I'm
always suspicious of the really attractive ones). Well,
after we joked about the girl dating him in first grade,
Barrett leans over and WHISPERS something in her ear.

Ok, I have to stop for a second to LIST the things wrong
with that:
A) I was sitting between them. It was rude.
B) We're not in High School.
C) We're all supposed to be adults.
D) Did I mention that we're NOT in HIGH SCHOOL??

So, back to what I was saying. He WHISPERS something to
her, and she giggles and said "I suspected that." So what
did he tell her ladies and gentlemen?? He told her that
Cute Guy was gay. So, why couldn't he address that to both
of us??? Oh, that would be because he doesn't know that I
know for sure that he is gay. WHAT the FUCKING fuck?? I'm
just angry now, but I was really hurt about it earlier.
What am I supposed to do to reach out to him? I just want
some friends who I can be myself around. I want to have
some guys that I can go out with and stuff. Is that too
much to ask? I guess it all comes down to me being so
afraid to come out to everyone. It all comes down to it
being all or tell none or you tell all.
FRUSTRATED. That's what I am.

More to come as the situation progresses.

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