jonesenstein

Jonesenstein
2001-07-17 04:03:03 (UTC)

1-3-01


Wednesday, January 03, 2001
It’s a new year. For some reason, a new year makes
me think of everything that has happened, not only in the
past year, but in my life altogether.
Since the title of this chapter is Unmaking, and since I am
in such a nostalgic mood, and since this is probably going
to be the last installment until the next chapter, I think
it’s a good time for a little reflection on where I am.
The title really hits the mark on what I wanted to
accomplish with these last few months of my life. I wanted
to find out exactly who I am. I haven’t done that yet; it
takes a long time to really get to know someone, it takes a
lot longer to get to know yourself. But the first step in
an investigation (or, maybe a better metaphor would
be, “the first step in building something…”) is cleaning
out the junk; getting through the lies and uselessness of
any situation. I have tried to completely unmake what I
have spent my entire life fabricating.
“Fabricating;” that’s an interesting word choice. Has my
entire life been a lie, a sort of story spun by myself in
order to more perfectly fit my surroundings? Nah. I think
I’m just being melodramatic, which is one trait I don’t
think I need.
Back to the issues: I have spent my entire life trying to
be something that I deemed as perfect. Last year at this
time I was dispensing advise like Pez and passing it off
like it was knowledge. I think that’s probably why Kristi
hates me so much. I had become everything that I had never
wanted to be; I had deemed myself perfect, and therefore I
was justified in giving people ‘expert advise’ on issues I
had no knowledge of or experience with (Does this world
really revolve around me? Are there coincidences?). Now I
find myself, as you can plainly see, questioning everything
around me (which is a trait of the next chapter where I
will hopefully be happy). I know that was wrong. I don’t
give advise anymore unless I am directly asked.
As a matter of fact, that was one of the first things that
I unmade. I don’t do a lot of things now that I always
did, and I do a lot of things now that I swore I would
never do. For instance, I don’t want to be as close to
perfect as a flawed being can get anymore. This means that
I don’t do a lot of things anymore: I don’t exercise
anymore, I don’t eat healthy, and I don’t purposefully find
people to talk to that I think are less perfect than I am
in all categories. I don’t work a lot in order to make a
lot of money to buy expensive (and meaningless) things. I
don’t watch TV anymore just so I can have something to talk
about. I don’t listen to only hard rock bands in order to
not be made fun of. I don’t wake up early, I don’t stay up
late, and I don’t try to make friends with every person I
meet. I just am.
I read actual books, I write a lot, my friends are no
longer my world, I like my family, I use bigger words, and
I am totally, and completely in love with someone whom I
expect to spend the rest of my life with, all of which I
said would never happen. I just am.
I have unmade almost everything in my life that I have
worked so hard for. I don’t try for perfection anymore
because my good enough is usually more than enough for
anyone else.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that this chapter has
been a resounding success. I tried to unmake myself in
order for the True me to shine through (God that sounds
awful. Remind me to rewrite that before publication). I
guess what I found this year is that perfect is never
perfect unless it is accompanied by the Truth. I think I
might try and remake myself with that in mind. Maybe, if I
make myself True to everything that I know, then perfection
will follow, making my old self and (soon-to-be) new self
happy.

“All I want in life is to be happy”
--Korn

See ya next epistle.