Chelsea

amazing things
2002-08-26 20:34:46 (UTC)

i feel intoxicated

here i am alone at home. i enjoy this time. with noone to
complain at me. talk at me. yell at me. make me feel
inferior. i am me. i hate living at home. i want out. i am
so sick of schuedling my life around my brother & sister.
around my mom. around my dad. around all of my damn
resposiblities to them. at camp i was by myself. i made my
own plans. & my own decisions. i did everything for myself.
i cleaned up after myself. i did my laundry. i took care of
myself. i fended for myself. i did everything for myself. no
one did nething for me. i did my job & got paid for it. i
liked it. i loved it. i hate being home. where i do menial
work & then get yelled at for it. where i babysit my brother
& sister. neither of which i can control ne more. i never
get ne thanks. only complaints. only guilt trips. only more
work. i don't make ne of my own decisions. i am moving out
at soon as legally possible. i'd rather pay my parents rent
for my room & use of washing machine & food. get a job & not
be part of this household than do what i am doing now.
thankless work. i want to be part of the family yes... but i
want to be part of it only part time. be there for them when
they absolutly need it, & to tell you the truth... i can
only think of a few times when i actualy need my parents...
1) at camp when the whole tom thing happened. 2) rides 3)
parental things for school (i.e signitures, permission
sltips) thats about it. i hate living here. i can't wait to
get out!!!!!just another 3 years right? then i'm off to
college. get my own apt. my own job, my own insurance, my
own car, my own computer, my own damn life. be done with
this place. i hate it here. i wouldn't mind the downsides of
not living at home... bills & land lords & dealing w/ my own
problems it would outwiegh the hell of living here. the hell
of not haveing ne freedom to decide for myself what i want.
what i need. i can't stand being here. ugh. i used to think
the only way out of this place was death. sometimes i still
do. 3 years is a long time to wait... i could die now & be
free. FREE. i could soar & be totaly one with everything &
be happy & whole. god how i want to die. death looks so
good. so tangable. so close. how i want it. but that would
be so selfish. it would hurt so many who don't understand
that when you die you aren't gone... you beome part of
everything, everyone & you are always with those who love
you... i want to die.not in a depressed way... in a way to
gain freedom. in a way to be unchained. in a joyous way. i
want to die. right now. how happy i could be. how good it
would be. screw cutting myself. i just want to go all the
way & be FREE.i look outside & see everything. it looks so
whole & happy & content. i can't find that now. i can't be
part of it... not now. not in this current situation...
i just want to be free. i just want to be whole.
chelsea




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