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2001-07-17 01:57:15 (UTC)

.........*&%$!

To warn all readers out there who are about to read this
diary, I want to scare no one. My purpose is to simply
vent, in hopes of somone saying "LOOK! That girl is going
thru what I have!" I am very blunt and honest and deep...so
here I go..At age 23 I have been married and divorced, and
also have a beautiful 3 year old daughter to show for.
Lateley has been a rough ride in this path I have chose to
fly-low down, I am begining to feel as if I was meant to be
here and not find a soul mate. My ex husband who is 30 is
about to be married to an 18 year old blonde and beautiful
nieve young lady. She has not a clue what she is in for. I
was 19 when my ex and I met at a JobCorps where I got my
GED shorty after dropping out of high school. We were a
great couple, we went to friend's houses and disliked the
whole partying scene as it was too 'juvinille' for our
tastes. I knew that this was good...I didn't like to smoke
pot but drink on occasion as did he. Or so I thought as it
turned out. He told me he was attracted to my diffrentness
when it comes to looks, my whole punk rock attire threw him
for a loop, he is a redneck in dress. Knowing eachother for
3 years in my longest relationship where I was treated with
out abuse was means to marry him..Abuse I mean physicaly
and mentaly, and not cheated on. We had our daughter soon
after( I was 8 months pregnant at our wedding!). I was
truly happy fior the first time in my life and determined
to make this family work. My parents had divorced and left
a gross distortion of the concept marriage I am sure you
will hear more about. I learned that my husband had been
smoking pot and stashing it in the house where our then
crawling baby could get to it. I wasn't about to lose my
baby to drug charges, I had found out that I was pregnant
and quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey for christ sake.
The last straw came when I recieved a telephone call from
him telling me that he may be losing his union job, our
only means of support to a suprise drug test. After much
begging and pleading and threatening and tears he still
came home one night with a friend who too had a wife and
child, and they smoked pot in the SAME house as my baby. I
am talking SAME room as my infant..killing brain cells...my
daughter's undeveloped brain. Divorce soon followed..At age
21 I was a single mom. He pays child support thank god and
sees her everyother weekend, and I work what I can when I
can as an auto parts specalist/waitress...you name it.
Since the divorce I have been involved with a few men and
had been given the shaft..Freeloding....Wife
beaters...Druggies...I want to set an example for my
daughter not show her the shit sides of life. I have
obsessive compulsive disorder so you will see me repeat or
ramble on about things as if it were a dead horse..I just
have to keep laughing.**As far as my marrige went there was
enough love and caring there, but soon after the seperation
I met HIM..Tall, dark..devistatingly handsome and
unspeakble in bed. He took my heart away..We had so much in
common...fast cars, good times, loving and planning a
future together.I fell hard. I fell fast, and I loved
calling his name in bed..Anthony. Things were so great. We
discovred new things together, simple things in life were
so much brighter and wonderful. One mornning I got up to
get ready for work and he was gone from the bedroom..I
cried for 45 minutes sobbing..i had told him that I love
him. But just a week before that I had told him that I
couldn't reciprocate what he was giving me...I WAS WRONG. I
went downstairs to my truck and he was sitting in the
rocker looking at me with tears in his eyes "I couldn't
leave" he said. We embraced and it all seemed storybook.4
months later we moved in together. Things started
happening. He accused me of sleeping around, because I
worked with all men (happens in automotive!!) And he yelled
at my daughter something terrible, scared her awful. I
Kicked him out that night. Later he was back and we agreed
to work on his temper, but he got angry so bad with me one
night that he did the unthinkable. He put his hands on me,
around my throat, threw me on the bed and asked me why I
hadn't come home that weekend. That weekend was my
daughter's birthday and I stayed with my mother who lives
50 miles away, and he has always hated so he was a no go. I
kicked him out for good that time. I am the kind of girl
whowill hit back if inflicted...so I kicked him out while I
was ahead and he wasn't fucking dead. But I still
love him and that is why I am so misrable today..and
forever.


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