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2002-08-26 02:39:57 (UTC)

how could an angel break my heart?

im not sad. im not happy. im not anything.

i probably just need to sleep. thats my cure-all for
everything nowadays. sleep.

school starts again tomorrow. yay for another semester.
and yay for a full time class load. and a job. and a bunch
of other priorities.
fucking yay.
i am not looking forward to this. at all.

everything just seems so pointless right now.
so utterly. fucking. point. less.

in a couple of days, or weeks. or whatever.
im going to have mad stress in my life and have so much
that will consume my every thought and action.
and it just seems so stupid.
all of it.

i mean. why.
why do we go to school.
answer- so we can get a degree.
why do we get a degree.
answer- so we can be qualified for a decent job.
why do we get a decent job
answer- so that we can have money.
why do we have money
answer- so that we can pay bills.
why do we pay bills
answer- so that we can succeed in society.
why do need to succeed in society
answer- because.

and maybe im one of the few people in the world that needs
a better answer than because for something of this

i mean were all going about our lives doing everything of
this sort for a because.

and it just sucks. its like no one questions it anymore.
thats just the fucking way it is. you know.

so we find things to fill our minds with.
drama for the most part.
or addictions. relationships.
or whatever else. hobbies.
some people dive into books. movies.
and theyre all just escapes.

various activities to keep our minds busy for a shortwhile.

people to talk to.
places to go.

i feel so unhappy right now with where i am and what im
doing in life.
im over planning for shit.
i just want it to happen.
you know.
i want all of the planning i have been doing for this
whole long time to be put into effect.

but all of my foundations are getting more and more weak.
and i dont think i can hold this all up for much longer.

my back is hurting so much right now.
breathing hurts and sitting isnt helping.

i dont know what to do.

i feel like the few stable things i had in my life.
are now so unstable.
so up in the air.

and i need definition.

i need to change something, and im not sure what it is.
i need to fix me. i need to fix everything.
and it seems like every time i have one thing under some
sort of control.
it just fucks everything else up.

i cant make everyone happy.
and now i dont even know how to make myself happy.
i cant change somethings.
and its getting harder to accept that as the list
continues to grow bigger and broader every passing day.

its like i dont know where lines are anymore.
i dont know what to accept and deal with and work on.
and what to stand up for. what to argue about.
im fucking fighting battle after battle
and i feel like its without any really clear reason.
is a better than b?
or do they both have the same outcome anyway.
and even though ive made a c
am i really happy with that.
because im starting to think not.
im starting to think that maybe yes's and no's
really do have a purpose
and maybes and mights
are just cop outs for decisions.
for acceptance.
for placing some sort of value on something.

blur as melissa ferrick puts it.
a massive blur.

i think i need a fresh start.
i need to let go and throw shit away like i did before.
and start listening more to myself like i used to.
and even though i know that after awhile.
i may miss things.
in the long run everything will be better.

my goal is to chill out.
not give a fuck.

because giving a fuck.
is not getting me anywhere at all.

so why should i.
better yet, why do i.

why do i always care so much.
when everyone im surrounded with.
seems so fucking fine.
with whatever's and because's.

i dont have an answer for that.

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