winsome

e's issues
2001-07-16 21:47:55 (UTC)

first entry

this is my first entry. this huge blank screen is somehow
very intimidating. my mother has been urging me for years
to keep a diary just so i'll have something to look back on
when i'm older. i've tried many times to keep up a daily
or weekly journal but always found it too much trouble. my
journals are only page after page of what i considered the
lowest points in my life. times where i just couldn't
sleep until i vented. and it worked. i can always sleep
after i write. i'm not better but in my mind at least i've
told someone set it down on paper so maybe the paper can
suffer and i can get some sleep. i only have one if any
journal entry where i'm not down in the dumps or wondering
why love or life is passing me by. it's passing me by b/c
i let it. duh. this time is little different. i wouldn't
call this the lowest point in my life but i'm definitley
very confused and unhappy. i think i'm always confused but
i manage to ignore it most of the time b/c i don't know how
to find clarity. this would almost be easier if i it was
an essay and there was a question to answer. i'm so at a
loss of what to write. lately whenever i sit down to write
all i think is i feel so alone and this cavity opens in my
chest and i cry the entire time i write and when i'm done i
just feel empty not better like before. i don't know why i
hurt so much but i think it's pretty stupid. i'm not
accomplising anything by writing just covering the same
ground over and over. i'm making no headway. when am i
gonna get a life and stop feeling so sorry for myself?
when george was here for the first time ever it wasn't just
me talking to me and the occasional friend. i knew when i
got home that i'd get to talk to him. i was so happy to
have someone to talk to who was "mine" that i don't think
it even mattered that i wasn't even sure if i liked him
that much. that he loved me and thought i was beautiful
and wanted to make love to me. make love to me? i'm not
even fucking attracted to you. why would i want to make
love with you. we can fuck. i've wanted to have sex for
so long but i want you to know that it's just sex and i
don't think i love you. but i wouldn't mind loving you and
i never want to hurt you and i'll take care of you but i
can't trust you and are you sure you love me b/c you
haven't known me all that long at all and it seems to me
that it's very easy for you to fall in love and i think it
would kill me to trust that you love me and find out you
were wrong b/c i think you're wrong and you don't love me
b/c you can't. but i don't care i just don't want to be
alone all the time and maybe you're right and i'm not
giving you a fair chance b/c you aren't drop dead gorgeous
and b/c i have to be in control all time maybe my intuition
is wrong for once and i do really love you even though i
really don't think i do at all. BUT I DON'T LOVE YOU AND
I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU AND I WISH I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH YOU
B/C YOU LEFT