Jena's Rants
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2001-07-16 20:52:03 (UTC)

Do you like Gummy Bears? Jena likes Gummy Bears. If you like Gummy Bears then you can be beel like Jena.


1 Types of Sexual Fantasies

1.1 The Holy Bag Creator
1.2 Orgies
1.3 Experimental Psychologists
1.4 Aluminum Foil
1.5 Torture

2 Causes for Sexual Fantasies

2.1 Frustration
2.2 Loneliness
2.3 Insatiability
2.4 Trucking
2.5 Reading


Although research on gummy bears has brought forth an
abundance of empirical and theoretical contributions over
the course of the last few years (see especially the
collection of papers from the famous Gummy Bear Laboratory
in Germany:, the
question of gummy bears' sexuality remains mostly unclear.
Indeed, the question was often completely overlooked, as
gummy bears were long considered to be non-sexy by nature.
In fact not even the U.S. government has bothered to
include gummy bears in its otherwise straightforward public
nudity laws. The world-wide acceptance of naked gummy bears
of all ages hanging out in overcrowded coed bags can only
be understood as an assumption of their genuine asexuality

But are the bears really that innocent? Haven't we heard of
gummy bears who just couldn't help it and put their sexual
feelings in words? Unfortunately, these telling personal
narratives are difficult to find as we are presented with
the problem that risqué texts only seldom stick to the
water repellant inside walls of the gummy bears' bags (an
act of sexual repression on the part of fundamentalistic
bag producers?). Given these conditions, how can we gather
any knowledge whatsoever about the little gummy bears'
sexual fantasies?

After years of field studies in candy shops, children's
rooms, office cabinets, kitchen drawers, and pantries, we
now presents a comprehensive collection of gummy bears'
sexual fantasies. The author opens the door for us, not
just to the gummy bears' sexual fantasy world in all of its
(sometimes shocking) dimensions, but also supplies a whole
row of plausible explanations for the bears' fantasy
productions. This paper briefly discusses the most
important findings.

Figure 2. Friday`s Informants and Co-investigators
Discussing Research Results

1 Types of Sexual Fantasies

1.1 The Holy Bag Creator

A frequent motif in gummy bears' sexual fantasies is oral
union with the person of the holy bag creator. The
surprisingly close connection between sexuality and
spirituality typical for the bears remained a mystery to
gummy bear research for a very long time. Thus rightly
points out the bears` longing for "weightless floating in
space" but fails to realize that this desire to move upward
is obviously and libidinously directed toward the holy bag

Shall we follow those theologians who keep arguing that the
bears` seeming urge for oral union is just an expression of
their pursuit of union in prayer? The question of whether
Baudrillard's (1990) dictum of the "Fatal S(t)imulacra"
refers to visitations of the holy bag creator or to the
genitalia of the male gummy bear cannot be cleared here
once and for all.

1.2 Orgies

The days in which the motto "a bag – an orgy" applied are
long since gone.
But don't we all still dream of them?

1.3 Experimental Psychologists

Why precisely experimental psychologists should play such a
major role in the bears' sexual fantasies remains a
mystery. Even the bears, as accustomed to researchers as
they are, cannot explain their obsession in plausible
terms. Most attempts at explanation (brought forth in
gushing tones) indicate that gummy bears are extremely easy
to impress: "he helped me out of the bag" - "he left me my
bag" - "he was like a bag to me." Interestingly gummy bears
who had participated in experiments conducted by physicists
as opposed to psychologists never reported any erotic
interest in their experimenters (see the Physical Science
Gummy Bear Lab for more information on gummy bear

1.4 Aluminum Foil

The exact number of gummy bears who are really turned on by
aluminum foil is unknown. Feelings of shame prevent most
bears from admitting to this unusual inclination. Still,
the European Aluminium Foil Association EAFA
( reports an alarming increase of
alu-philia among gummy bears. It need not be emphasized
that we are referring to fantasies here – and fantasies
only (actually to repressed fantasies!). After all, a
healthy sensitivity to both moral and environmental
standards forbids the practicing of aluminum foil

1.5 Torture

Several gummy bears admit that they think of teeth
(sometimes even of dentures) when masturbating. Others
entertain themselves with images of humans eating and
imagine being chewed and swallowed themselves. Gummy bears
are not afraid to play with fire either. One repeatedly
encounters bear fantasy scenarios including toasters,
microwaves and ovens, all just waiting to heat up the
lascivious little bears. The bears do not seem to be aware
that such games can end in death. We stand back aghast as
more and more gummy bears openly admit "I think M. Kelani
is sexy". (If you are brave enough check out the horrible
personal homepage of the gummy bear torturer and murderer
M. Kelani: There
you have it! No one is now laughing at those Internet
Censorship Campaigns which early on called for a Kelani-
free Internet.

Why oh why can't the bears just stick to soft, light and
fruity fantasies? This brings us to the reasons for

2 Causes for Sexual Fantasies

2.1 Frustration

Gummy bears don't like to talk about it, but it is true:
Due to their limited repertoire of communicative and
expressive behavior – paired with certain anatomic
handicaps – bears are only able to mate in one position.
Almost all of them, however, read Vatsyayana`s Gummy
Sutra . No wonder things are bound not to work out.

2.2 Loneliness

The research literature is filled with extensive reports on
the spontaneous disappearance of both married and unmarried
gummy bears. Rows of valuable research subjects are lost to
experimental psychology because of this phenomenon. But the
spontaneous disappearance is far more devastating to the
remaining bears. They lose approximately 40 to 60 percent
of their current sexual partners (not even counting the
potentials ones). No one will think the less of a lonely
bear who seeks escape in fantasy – as long as the bear does
not develop too much self-love in the process.

2.3 Insatiability

The thought alone is beyond the scope of this paper.

2.4 Trucking

Despite numerous protests by Animal Peace
( and PETA
(, gummy bears must still endure hours
of transport by truck. The vehicle's shaking sends
seemingly never ending vibrations through the bears'
elastic bodies. Pragmatic bears are able to use sexual
fantasies to distract themselves from their motion
sickness. The others become nauseous. Those familiar with
the "Fear of Being Transported by Truck" (Jong, 1995) are
all too familiar with the situation.

2.5 Reading

Although gummy bears are often told: "Don't hang around in
the bag all day – go out and get some fresh air," many
stick around inside the bag reading. Have we ever given
serious thought to what influence dubious reading material
could have on the feelings and thoughts of an idle gummy
bear? Is it any wonder that, after growing up with
uncensored bedside books obviously inspired by loose human
morals, gummy bears are increasingly leaving their
protective bag in the late hours of evening and night and
proceeding, scantily-clothed and compliant, to the vicinity
of movie theaters? Would you want your gummy bear to be
confronted with that kind of confessions?

Free-range gummy bears do not exist. They are bought in
packs at the movie theater. This purchase is the beginning
of an almost erotic and very ambivalent relationship
between gummy bears and humans. First one enjoys, an
enjoyment that includes all the senses. One reaches in the
bag with one's hand and digs through the gummy bears. They
have the consistency of soft erasers. The perception of
touch is also somewhat sexual.

Gummy bears are neither soft nor hard, they are somewhere
in-between. This, too, makes them exciting. Gummy bears are
enticingly soft. And as they are soft, they can be pulled.
I like to do that. I sit in the darkened movie theater and
stretch my gummy bears apart, slowly, very slowly. You
really don't want to pull them apart, but then curiosity
overcomes you. How much force can the little bear hold out
under? The investigative instinct and the evil from within
climax as a million tiny tears cause the bear's middle to
go white and a second later the two pieces of the now
halved bear snap back against your fingers. One has a
feeling of power over the nice, helpless little gummy bear.

The next exciting step is chewing the gummy bears. It is a
game of cat and mouse. You could just bite into the bear,
but you let the tension build, pinching the wet gummy bear
between your tongue and the roof of your mouth, sliding it
through your mouth. After a certain time has elapsed I bite
into the bear, often during a particularly exciting film
scene. There is an animal-like lust involved....