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2002-08-25 09:50:27 (UTC)

Run Away

yeah. it's five thirty in the morning and i'm still up.
i've been home since about two, but i had ten cups of
coffee and so i am completely wired. actually, it's just
about fading out now but i can't go to sleep until i've had
another cigarette, only i can't smoke in my house and i
don't want to go outside until it gets light out. so i can
either go to bed and attempt to sleep, which i know i won't
be able to do without a cigarette, or i can sit up online
and waste time until it gets light out. it's just this
little paranoid thing i have...i don't like the dark. go
ahead, laugh it up. some people are afraid of spiders, some
are afraid of heights, i'm afraid of the dark. it's
perfectly normal, i just don't like not being able to see
what's around me.

i just finished reading my book. it was phenomenal, if you
want to read a good book, read "she's come undone", by
wally lamb. it was amazing, i couldn't put it down. it made
me realize that no matter how much i bitch and moan, my
life is really NOT THAT BAD. things could be SO much worse.
i now have a greater appreciation for things in my life,
and i'm thankful that i've never had to deal with certain
horrors that too many others have. i love a book that makes
me really stop and think and reevaluate my life.

i can't tell if the darkness behind my curtains is starting
to get lighter or if my eyes are just playing tricks on me
because i'm overtired. i painted my toenails inky blue
yesterday morning while brett was asleep. then i fell back
asleep and he woke up and went to work at six thirty AM.
we're supposed to spend some quality time together today,
after he goes to sam ash and before he goes to band
practice and then the bar afterwards. so glad he could
pencil me in. i'm tired of doing things that i don't want
to do just because it means i can spend time with him. this
would be okay, except that i am constantly going out of my
way to be with him and he never lifts a finger. he makes
his plans, and then i make my plans accordingly. that's our
relationship in a nutshell. well goddammit, i'm through
sacrificing my whole life for a stupid boy!! he can work
hard at this relationship for a while. i'm through. no more
trying. i'm going to sit back and pretend i don't give a
shit, see how he feels. what the fuck, it worked for
marisa! he had to try his hardest at their relationship
because she never lifted a finger. she acted like she could
give two shits about him. for some reason, people always
find this appealing. they'll never admit it, but
subconsciously, everyone loves to be abused. i speak from
experience, i'm no different than all the other poor
suckers. i'm just another glutton for punishment. fuck it.
i'm through. and i'm fucking exhausted. my eye is starting
to twitch and my knee is aching, two sure signs that I NEED