sammy

this moment
2002-08-24 08:08:22 (UTC)

closed hearted

well i think i officially got the brush off from jason.
called him again today, no answer, left a message telling
him that i was off from work, told him to call me back if
he wanted to do something. no call back. i guess he must be
mad because i would not have sex with him. if that is the
case than fuck him, obviously he is not the right guy for
me. i want more than that. oh well...next..

so tonight i went up to this bar to hang out with this
friend of mine, kris. kris used to work with me, he doesnt
anymore. but from the moment we met, we instantly hit it
off and i knew that i liked this person, i knew that we
would be friends. plus kris lives in my neighborhood, its
like a one minute drive to his house from mine, so that to
made it convienient.

kris and me are friends, just friends. well things have
gotten a little complicated.

kris was married for like two months, and then got divorced
cause basically he had to leave for his job, and she
originally had said she would go with him, but then backed
out. then she got pregnant, so now they are divorced and
have a kid together, which he had to pay a bunch of money
to even see, because the first two months, she wouldnt even
let him see his own kid, cause she was pissed. basically
she is a bitch.

ok so this has made kris completely shut himself out from
the world. he doesnt beleive in love or relationships, or
emotions..and chooses to keep himself closed off. he still
dates girls ocasionally and thinks that if he has sex with
them its just a bonus. but he tells them straight up in the
beginnig that he is not looking for love or relationships,
so that there is no emotionally ties.

basically kris has put up a wall so that he cant get hurt,
and just has meaningless sex to keep himself happy.

so things like i said got complicated. a couple of weeks
ago we ended up kissing, which led to making out. but it
never went any further than that because neither of us
would let it. number one because i dont want to just be
another notch on his belt, number two because i dont want
to get hurt. and he know too, that im not like all the
other girls that he just screws, and he knows that he
doesnt want to hurt me either.

we have hung out a couple times since this incident, and
things have been totally cool, nothing happened.

tonight however, i took him home, because he roommate had
already left and i had told him that i would make sure that
he got home alright.

so we left and i took him home, and then came inside to
hang out for a while. his roommate, john, came home with
these two other girls, and we were all just hanging out,
then they all went to bed and it was just me and kris, so
we end up kissing, and he wanted to have sex, but i didnt.
i couldnt..i know i would get hurt so im not going to even
put myself in that position.

so kris is telling me all this shit about why not, and it
can just be sex, and there doesnt have to be emotions, and
we are debating this when john comes out of his room to get
a drink of water. so then he brings john into the debate.

john agrees with me in the fact that it hard to emotionally
detach yourself when you have sex with someone. so kris is
argueing away, and seems to be getting kinda angry, and im
arguing, and so finally he just lays down on the couch and
closes his eyes.

the whole situation is that kris has been hurt in the past
so he just puts up a wall, and chooses to never love again.
which is fine if thats how he wants to be, but i choose not
to, because no matter how mad i am a jeremy, and all my
other exes i still want love, i do. i cant help it its just
my nature.

pretty much hes mad because i dont feel the same way as him
and wouldnt have sex with him.

so me and john ended up going outside and talking for a
while, about relationships and sex, and kris. and jeremy
and all kinds of shit. and hes telling me how kris is just
really fucked up from all the shit hes been through. he
agrees with me though on the whole sex thing.

we both think kris needs to let it go. he cant be bitter
his whole life, he can but then he will never be open to
any chance at ever finding happiness with another person. i
love kris to death. and i really do think that down deep
there is a person that is capable of loving someone else.

john seems to think that kris really would probably being
crying in my lap right now except his pride is in his way,
and that wall he puts up keeps him from opening up to
anyone. he thinks that i probably scare the hell out of
kris. i guess because maybe he does care about me and
doesnt want to admit it, and im not like everyone else. i
dont know. i just hope that he wont be mad at me tomorrow.
i dont think he will, i think he just needs to sleep the
alcohol off, but damnit this is frustrating as all hell. i
mean jez, what the fuck...why cant things just ever be
normal, there always has to be some kinda damn drama and it
really just pisses me off.




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