The Life and Times of Dana Scully
2001-07-16 05:29:27 (UTC)

Life and Death..

I have lost too many in my people in my life..and I haven't
even hit the age of 20 yet. I cannot justify loosing
another. My mother, my uncles, 2 of my friends...this list
continues...What kills me more is that I've been to the
point of suicide. I've tried killing myself 3 separate
time. In almost succeeding, I know now I never want to
feel that way again. To feel death is the coldest most
terrifying thing I've ever felt. I also know that nothing
justifies suicide. I feel for those who have unfortunately
succeeded, but being there..I know nothing should push
anyone over the edge like that. It's not worth the pain to
the rest of the world. I know that for a fact. I
sympathize and hope they are happy now...but I know there
is no reason for the rest of the world to have to carry on.
I'm loosing my point, but oh well...I'm rambling...worst of
all..the only person that I wanted to hold me did not care
to do so. That in and of itself broke my heart. I do love
him. He knows it. Though, he does not love me back.
Wanting to just bury myself in his arms, I yelled to him.
I told him that I needed him here. I needed him to hold me
so I could feel safe. He left me without so much as
a "good bye". Leaving me to suffer over the death of an
old friend. How do I forgive someone for that? Yet..How do
I hate him for it?