Answers to two ife-long problems of mine - #1
#1– Emotional rollercoaster.
All my life I have known I am different – to a large extent
imprisoned by some dysfunction. I couldn’t put my finger
on it, and it seemed to perhaps be more than one problem.
I was very determined, yet poor with organization and
logic, depressed, always tired, overwhelmed easily and
constantly on a tirade of emotional roller-coasters. When
asked why I am so adamant on postpoining life until I fix
this, I think about how many areas of life I feel life I am
in a prison cell, reaching through the bars towards needs
and wants just too far a reach. So instead of peacefully
living on scraps of bread, I have chosen to find a way out
of the cell.
For Fifteen years I have seached everywhere for the problem
and answer: psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists,
cognitive restructuring, goal clarification, examining my
upbringing, just try harder, don’t be so sensitive, and of
course the all-ignorant ‘stop trying to fix myself – just
live!’ strategy. Later more technical avenues – actual
brain functionality. I worked with medications, EEG, HEG,
supplements, diet and finally Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy. I
have spent fortunes of time, money and life path
opportunities in search of answers.
Now, functionally much improved by the brain (not mind)
enhancements of the last two years, I have finally found
the root of one of my main problems: Fighting the
strong ‘monk mechanism.’
All people have two mechanisms inside: the explorer and the
monk. I have a very strong explorer, but a HUGE monk.
Explorer is curious, daring, growth-ensuring. Monk is
conservative, hesitant, safety-ensuring. Along with the
monk comes a VERY sensitive nervous system, emotional
system and all the bells and whistles that come with them.
Furthermore, I have a very strong internal relational
system – that is, I relate stimuli to other stimuli
easily. So unpleasant experiences cause whole
interlinkings of stimuli to avoid.
Anyways, all my life I have fought the Monk’s walls of
inhibition. The fears, sadness, regret, humiliation –
anything it can throw at me to ‘keep me safe.’ A few days
ago I tapped into a simple very life-altering approach:
instead of fighting the fear – I ran with it! I said “OK,
let’s getting REALLY scared!” When I do this, something
interesting happens: I loose the fear! Going with the
inhibition mechanism takes the wind out of it’s sails
and ‘puts the monk at ease’….then I go ahead with what I
was inhibited from doing.
This works in all areas of my life, and I am now seeing is
cascade to all the small and large areas that the
inhibition as caused me to live a life of a delicate
hermit. Freedom at last. Hopefully it will become more
automatic and not need constant conscious effort at all
Now I hope to realign my dreams, abilities and life. While
truly gifted and impressive in some ways, I have become an
attention-seeking, emotionally immature, self-consumed
loner. It’s time to change all that.
Ones of the main reasons I am able to find and pursue this
is the love, acceptance and companionships I have found
with an amazing woman, Michelle. She has helped me be at
peace with myself enough to stop violently trying to change
the outside world to fit my emotional-enslaved inner
By the way, this tactic I am referring to is not an
original concept: years ago I read about it in Victor
Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. The term he coined for
it is “Parodoxical Intention.”