camicazy

Meshed Up
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2002-08-23 14:40:08 (UTC)

death n dying

sometimes i think some people are getting fed up with my
hopelessness.

not that it really matters, but yeah. every now and then, i
should look at the sun instead of concentrating on the
moon. a friend said that there's a theory which states that
we get energy by staring at the moon. is that why i feel a
bit happy when i look at the moon? happy energy i suppose.

in a play written some time ago, i'm going to die. and for
some reason, in life, i feel like i'm going to die young.
don't know when, don't know where, don't know how...but i
have a feeling i won't reach 30. it's just a feeling though.

i'm not very scared of dying and going off to another
world, but it's the idea of dying and the matter of dying
that freaks me out.

when i was young and massacres were often the subject of
movies, i would dream...usually three nights in a
row...that somebody has entered the house and is going to
kill me and some other people with a butcher's knife.

i remember running..hiding under the tables, sweating
profusely, but the dream never gets to the part when the
killer actually catches me and kills me. it's all about
running and hiding, and doing all that i can to survive.

being stabbed to death is one of the worst ways of dying
for me. actually, i don't know if it's worse than being
burned to death. i just want my death to be quick and
painless. and it has to come as a surprise so i won't have
to contemplate about my life and get all depressed.

i just want it to come...like a gunshot. feel white-hot
pain shooting up all over my body, crying out in agony or
surprise, and everything blacks out.

i feel like i'm walking the streets of melbourne for the
first time. perhaps i died yesterday. i've been reborn
today.

death is the final reward one can get for living. it is
simply a beginning.


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