Ad 0:
2001-07-16 04:16:19 (UTC)


I was thinking today...if you read ot see something about
someones life it doesnt seem as bad as it really is living
it. like in the virgin suicides their life didnt seem that
bad but you arent the one living it so its not your place
to judge it. since were on that subject i think of suicide
everyday...ive tried it a couple times but i never had
enough in me to push the knife in far enough to hurt me.
just enough to bleed a little. i never had enough to take
those extra pills that would take my life. id always take 2
or 3 over the recommended dosage then drop the bottle and
break down thinking what the hell am i doing? do i even
care enough to think about how this will affect everyone in
my life? of course but i dont care. im crying right
now...seeing and knowing what im doing and at least what i
want to do. what i want in life will never happen...ever...
i just know it...thats why i am so hurt...when you want
something this bad you should be able to get it right or at
least get what you want out of life? maybe not but...i
guess im selfish...i only think of myself and what i want

i want the best grades the best boyfriend the best family
the best everything...and i want my future to be great to
where ill actually want to go to my high school reunion. to
where id be able to walk in there and be proud of what i
built myself up to be. and all the people who never got
anywhere be jelous cause they were the people i was always
jelous of. thats what i want to happen. i want to be
sucessful and whining around like i am wont get me there.
but then again remember how i said i was in love with that
actor? I know I am..ive never felt this way and its
childish and stupid...but o god i think he
smokes....yuck...i could never love a man that smoked.

anyways i should go

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