Shantie

Finding my Light
2002-08-23 04:56:32 (UTC)

Same Past...Different Outcomes

Hey there everyone. Wow, I can't believe how much
thinking I've been doing just on one subject. I guess I'm
still in a little bit of a shock. I never thought that
someone who lived a little over three hours away from me in
another state would have almost the same past as myself.
It's amazing how we both turned out so different, yet we
both have had almost the same experiences.
Nick won't tell me exactly what happened to him though
and that is why I won't tell him. I don't think he
realizes how similar our pasts really are. We've both been
deeply hurt by the opposite sex and I think he's been hurt
by his own sex as well as myself. Though I'm not quite
sure about that part, I do think it's possible.
I hurts so much to see all that pain in his eyes and it
hurts worst not knowing exactly what happened so I can try
to make it better. It hurts knowing that he won't tell me,
but I trust that someday he will. I just hope it's soon.
Every time I look in his eyes, my past plays across my mind
and the hurt I felt then resurfaces.
I wish I could share my hurt with him. Let him know
that he's not the only one who knows his pain. I know how
alone I feel baring the pain and it's hard not having
someone who knows how it feels. I know my healing would go
a lot faster if I had someone I loved who knew of my past
and knew how I felt to comfort me. I want to do that for
him as well. I think though he's too scared to really let
himself go with someone he could care for as much as the
girl who hurt him. I pray to God that he never hurts me
the way the other did and I pray harder that I will never
do the same to him.
I still find it hard to believe how different we came
out of it though. We both still carry the burden of pain
deep inside ourselves, but I believe I can hide it better.
I still have the ability to truely love someone blindly
though I'm a little more carefull, but I don't think Nick
is ready to do that as I am.
I don't believe he fully realizes how obvious his pain
is to me. I do wonder if he even has a clue to what my
past was like? I also wonder if he cares at all or if he
even wants to know? I wish he would ask me about what
happened or about my past so that maybe I can relieve some
of my stress.
Damn, I can't believe how many entries I've been typing
about basically the same thing! I guess I'm starting to
become over welmed? I pray I don't break down again. I
would hate to go through that all over again and this time
with no one by my side to help me.