the life of a not so perfect KT girl
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2001-07-16 03:14:34 (UTC)

I think i said something wrong and if i did does he hate me ?



so yeah i have not talked to "him" in like a week i hope i
did not say something wrong .. I think i might push people
away and if i pushed him away how do i pull him back ? u
see I have been looking pretty hard lately for someone who
is like my perfect match and i think that maybe i have said
something or pushed him away ? what do i do now .. I mean
just when i think i have found him I loose him b/c of
something i have done or said .. why is it i can not get
close to anyone with out the fear of sudden rejection
mixed with tanted happiness.. you see i am a pesamist ..
the glass is never half full .. I only see what i want to
see and hear what i want to hear .. i am usually in a state
of insanity excpet when i am around him .. he makes me
smile .. laugh and i want him more than i know i can
have .. make any sense to u ? but why should it i don't
write this for u or anyone eles .. i do it for me .. I am
not aiming to please anyone .. but .. I am always wondering
if i am good enough .. can i be everything that " he " will
want .. i am not sure i can not stop worrying about
stuff .. i am thinking it comes from lack of love as a
child .. the only love i have really ever know froma guy or
anyone for that matter lasted only 5 mins .. i am not sure
why i cry ? I say i don't but i do .. i cried when Greg did
not want me .. I cried when i could not find love in the
one person i thought cared about me .. i cried .. I am
losse detached to those who care nothing for me .. i
realize they want to use me .. but i crave that .. i know
in the back of my head that i will probably end up lonely
but that does not bother me b/c i have to have that 5 min
love .. i am attracked to the wrong guys.. frat guys ..
hicks .. ya know the kind that only wanna abuse u .. did
i say something wrong .. and if i did how do i pull him
back ?