*a*v*e* tHe uNbLoNdE bEaUtY

tHe iNvIsIbLe gUrL
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2002-08-23 00:47:01 (UTC)

new day

its good to know that happiness doesnt always have to be in
consequence of anything
dont get the wrong impression of me...i am not depressed or
crazy 9well, crazy maybe)
i think a lot, about everything, and sometimes it screws me
up
i know, for example, that my little chica friend janet
(max's sis and one of my better buds) doesnt like that max
and i care about each other(as friends, of course,)...no
she's not jealous. she just doesnt like that max and i
fight, and he's an ass and a half to me, and then i always
forgive him, and its because he has me convinced that he
does care about me, almost as much as i care about him.
but you know what? it feels good sometimes just to know
that people DO care about you, even when you treat them
like shit, or they treat you like shit. and if he is just
making it all up, to keep me around in case he needs me,
then he should win an emmy, because that is some
performance.
and jeremie, jeremie is this guy i had this crush on and we
talked at like midnight and it was crazy. we have our
differences, but he's turned out to be a good friend, and i
will always be grateful that i know that he cares
too...even though if that got out, his image of being a
stoner hardcore bassist would be ruined...cause i know a
lot more about him than most people. we hardly ever fight
about anything important, because i know what to expect
from him--he tells me what to expect. that i can respect
about him. and that means a lot too.
then you have ian...ian and jeremie are close to best
friends. and ian and i...well, that goes way back. i also
had a crush on him, but that was from about 5th grade to
8th grade, on and off. it was the cutest, and he knew i
was crushing him, and it didnt matter. he can always make
me laugh, and he tells me that someday we'll probably end
up getting married, if that kate chick doesnt steal him
first...but he's happy with his gf fallon, and i couldnt be
happier for him. nothing makes me feel better than when my
friends are happy. and that is the truth as best that i
can write it.
matt...well you pretty much know the deal with he and i. i
think we've fought maybe three times in all the time that
we've been friends. but this last fight was the worst
yet. its scary too think youve lost a friend to something
silly like an online conversation. but if i had to yell at
him in person, or he yelled at me...well, there wouldve
been a lot of crying. mostly me. probably all me. but
matt has been there for me...really been there when i
needed him, and even if he didnt have anything to say, he
didnt need to. just having that friend there to give you a
hug can mean more than one thousand words. and i love matt
for that. and i always will.
and max? max is just all. i dont really know--i think i
thought i was in love with him. but, how can a 12 year old
girl be in love with one guy for four years? who
knows...maybe now i'm in denial, and still quite, quite in
love with him. but at this point, and for the last year or
so, all i have wanted was to be his friend. the best
friend to him i can. even when i was in love with him--i
didnt want more. i'd take a best friend over sex any day.
i hope that is healthy. not much else in my life is... but
max...max will always be one of the most important guys in
my life, even if i do get married to anyone else, and i
would not change that for anything. i just hope that
someday, i will be as important to him. with max, its just
good to hear him say he cares, or type it, or whatever. i
really need to start having human interactional
conversations. AOL sucks.
you know? just knowing that there are people that do in
fact care about me, even if they dont tell me every day, or
everytime we see each other...that feels good. that makes
me happy.


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