my so called life
2002-08-22 22:01:55 (UTC)

In Despair

I have been so confused these last two days.. I've had a
lot of things on my mind ever since Saturday, but yesterday
and today everything kind of piled up.
I don't know how much I want to write, because if I put it
into words, it becomes so real.. Anyway, I've been
suffering from... temptation.
I've met A LOT of boys this last week, and I don't know..
I've been more popular than ever, everywhere I go, there's
guys hitting on me. But you know, I've got my Ben.. But the
problem is, however, I don't.. Cause he's so far away.
Yesterday night I was really messed up, and I tried calling
him. I really needed to talk to him.. It was like 3-4 am,
so I was, of course, sleeping. But his phone was turned
off, so this lady said : The phone is not in use. And I
thought; God, how ironical. You could just as well have
said: Your boyfriend is not in use.
He is so fucking far away!! :(
But.. There is this guy in my class, Troy. There are like
130 people in my class, but we were in the same group. He
is a year older than me, and he is really, really tall.
He's very nice and a lot of fun. He's got the nicest
stomach I've seen in a very long time. It was very tanned
with really nice muscles. Well, anyhow. I've been spending
a lot of time with him since he lives just down the street
from my place. Ben is a really, REALLY great guy, and I
love everything about him, but Troy's got some qualities
that I've been missing.. Like, we can dance together, sing
Backstreetboys songs and laugh, he likes popsicles.. I
dunno, just little things that seemed to matter.
Well, I've realized now that those aren't the things that
really matter. I went out Wednesday (we go out all the time
here) and Troy and I got a little too friendly. Nothing
happened, Christ no, but I was kind of drunk and didn't
reject him the way I normally would. I guess I am kind of
drawn to him. Suddenly I realized what I was doing. It was
about 3 am and I guess he crossed the line or whatever. All
he did was put his arm around my waist, but I suddenly saw
things clearly and was like what the hell am I doing?
So I just kind of stormed out of the club and started
walking home. I was so upset, I was actually crying my eyes
out. I thought that I was so much in love with Ben that
other guys were totally uninteresting, but obviously not.
That's when I tried calling Ben and he 'wasn't in use'. It
made me even sader, but I'm glad I didn't talk to him while
I was hysterical and stuff. He would probably have gotten
it all wrong and become scared.
After a while I ran into Troy(!) and this really, really
sweet guy Lars. He was so nice to me, I hope we'll become
friends. Well, Troy was kind of anxious and stuff, the poor
guy didn't know if he had done anything wrong or what.
Well, we walked home together (Lars lives in the other
direction), but I just told him I didn't feel like talking
about it.
I felt REALLY sick at school today, and when I was walking
home, Troy was walking behind me. I saw him, but didn't
feel like talking to him. I went into this supermarket and
he followed me. I didn't see him and walked home
afterwards. Later I got a message on my cell from Troy;
What have I done wrong?
I just replied that if he was talking about yesterday
wasn't his fault, it was a personal problem.
He said that he was talking about today, I was arrogant and
it seemed I hated his guts. I told him I just had a really
bad day and that I was sorry. He said ok, but I don't know.
Maybe we won't hang out as much anymore, but maybe that's
just as well..
Ben called.. I still didn't know what to do. I mean, if I
am drawn to an other guy, what does that say about my
feelings for Ben?
I was in a terrible mood when he called, and I didn't say
much. But we talked for an hour and a half, and at the end
of the conversation I was laughing and in a much better
mood. I suddenly saw things clearly.. I love Ben. No doubt
about it. The positive thing about Troy compared to Ben is
that lives five minutes down the road. I've just been
lonely, and Troy's a nice guy that showed interest in me.
Talking to Troy just made my mood even worse, but hearing
Ben's voice made everything better. Even when I'm blue and
the world sucks, he can make me smile and laugh again. That
is so important.. And the warm feeling I get when he says
he loves me before we hang up says it all. I love Ben, he
loves me. It would have been perfect except for the
distance.. But maybe he'll come visit me next weekend! Oh
God, I hope he does! I miss him so much, this long-distance-
relationship is tearing me up. But we'll manage, we have to!

If anyone has an opinion, i'd love to hear it. I haven't
got any close girlfriends here yet, so I can't ask for
advice.. I need you, dear reader :)

Off to bed now.. Gonna close my eyes and remember what his
skin feel like against mine.