jonesenstein

Jonesenstein
2001-07-15 23:50:45 (UTC)

10-24-00

Tuesday, October 24, 2000
Yes, I got no sleep, and yes, I got nothing done.
But that was two days ago. Last night I got no
sleep either. I’m pretty happy about that. I can feel it
leaving though, the thing I can’t describe; I can feel it
going away.
The best I can describe it is if you are a fanatic
about something. If you were an alcoholic, then you would
understand it as a moment of clarity. If you were a runner
you would see it as a runner’s high. It’s when everything
you’ve been working for for so long just disappears for a
few seconds, and you see life for what it is. I’ve heard
that’s what alcoholics do when they reach rock bottom.
They just stop being drunk for a minute and actually
realize that this is bad for them. It’s what runners do
when they’ve ran for so long and they don’t feel the pain
anymore. They just see. As alcoholics just see. They
each take a different road, but it ends up being that they
just see.
I know, “What is ‘see?’” That’s just the thing.
It’s hard to say. I mean, I want to say that everything
becomes clear, but “everything: encompasses a lot. I mean,
I still don’t know exactly why we’re here (although at
around 4:30 this morning, I think I had a pretty good
idea). I still don’t know a lot, but I do see a lot of
things now. I wish I had time to write them all down, but
I dinnae. I have to learn Trig substitutions in Calc.
Let’s just say that I truly love Lindsay, I really
want to spend some more time with my friends, and I really
want to spend some more time with Lindsay’s friends. I
also figured out school is not as important as I thought it
was, and I do have some time left.
I don’t know how I know that, but I do. I always
thought I might die tomorrow, but I do have some time left.
I feel it slipping away. Maybe I’ll sleep.


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