Sunday, October 22, 2000
…And here we are…
I went to Ann Arbor this weekend and I had some
funny feelings when I was there. I don’t know what
happened, but I just felt like, well, like I wasn’t me.
Have you ever felt like you were watching your
life? Like, you weren’t a participant, just a regular guy
watching another person live their life? I dunno, it’s
hard to explain, like I said.
It’s not like I feel like I’m not in control of my
life, it’s more like I don’t feel the things I think I
should feel in my life. That’s not true either.
Maybe it’s that I see things from all perspectives
and I can see myself from someone else’s perspective but
I’m not sure who that someone else is…
That’s about the closest I can put it. I can see
things piling up, things that I have no control over but I
can see them all coming; things that shouldn’t affect me
but might, things that need to be dealt with but won’t;
it’s like I’m watching a movie of my life and no one in the
movie knows what’s going on, but everyone watching does.
It’s like I am living my life and not living my life. It’s
like I am seeing myself from the outside and seeing myself
form the inside.
Most poets would kill for insight like this.
I wouldn’t. I’ve been like this before and it is
painful to be this way. I remember I was this way for
about a month when I first started here at State. I called
it the Unbearable Lightness of Being. I saw everything
that was going on at all times, yet I was unable to do
anything to affect those events. It’s times like this I
just want to crawl into bed and come out only when I can’t
feel anything again.
As much as I hate it, you know what the Worst Part
is? Well, not the worst part (the worst part is not being
able to converse with anyone about it. Not because no one
will understand (which they won’t) but because you can’t
converse with anyone about so emotional a topic; you can’t
reach the logical conclusion of an emotion), but the Worst
Part is coming down, feeling it slip away.
As much as I hate to feel everything all the time,
the worst part is knowing that there is a damn fine chance
that you will never feel this alive again as long as you
live. I’ve felt this feeling several times in my life, so
I doubt that I will never feel it again, but there’s still
that chance and it bugs me. Another thing that bugs me
about it is the fact that I can’t sleep when I’m like
this. I always have too many things on my mind that I
can’t control. School, Lynn, home, friends, new friends,
Lynn’s friends, God, time, life, TV, souls… it goes on.
So I’m planning on not sleeping tonight, but I’m
also planning on getting nothing done.
Speaking of which, it’s time to do some homework.