jonesenstein

9-8-00

Friday, September 08, 2000
I just got my blood taken, and I haven’t felt this
shitty in a long time.
I don’t get it. I don’t mind other peoples’
blood. Hell, I can sit down and watched a fucked-up
vasectomy for an hour and a half and it doesn’t bother me a
bit, but I go to get a lil vile of blood taken out of me,
and I almost faint and/or throw up. It’s so weird, but
when someone sticks a needle in me...
Maybe it’s the needle that bothers me. I’ve never
had a good experience with a needle. Maybe I need to get
on heroin for a little while. When I was little, I had to
get a glucose tolerance test, which means they had to take
a lot of blood out of me over a short period of time.
Then, when I had shit wrong with my back, I had to go and
take this pill which might fuck up the liver. So I had to
get a blood test for that. The nurse was a bitch, and when
she looked to see if I was done bleeding (after like 15
seconds) my blood squirted all over the place. Then, after
I had all of the scars on my back after all that shit was
dead, the doctor stuck needles in it to put medicine right
in the middle of the scar.
I’m no psychologist, but I say that that might be
the reason.
I was thinking on the way home (in a fit of almost
fainting), I think Lindsay might be the one. There’s
nothing wrong with her, and there’s nothing wrong with us.
We get along great, we talk of just about anything… I
dunno. I love her, but it’s not that kind of NEEDING love
that I had with Krista. You know the kind, where you NEED
to be with them all the time no matter what, and if you’re
not you feel like shit.
With Lindsay, I just WANT to be with her. All the
time I want to be with her, sure, but I don’t need to be.
It’s not a big deal. NOTHING'S a big deal with her, and I
think that’s the biggest reason I love her. It’s also the
biggest reason why I can see living with her for a long
time. If everything’s a big deal, then nothing is ever
done. If nothing’s a big deal, then everything happens as
it should because there are no interjections to obstruct
the natural flow of things.
I’m so zen; karma and shit.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that in case she
is and I want to look back on this someday and say, “Hey,
that was the day I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my
life with her.”
Either that or you can see that I’m human and not
just a typical kind of ass.