2001-07-15 23:28:54 (UTC)


Sunday, August 27, 2000

This book is a day by day account of my life as a
college senior. Like my last book, it will have my insane
views on life and my stupid poems and stories and analogies
and heartaches and heartbreaks and triumphs and pitfalls
and all of the other stupid crap that it takes to sell a
book nowadays.
It used to be you only needed a good imagination
and a piece of paper. Now you need an agent, and a
computer, and databases to show who likes what when.
Unlike my last book, this is going to be really
long, and I won’t die at the end. Hell, I might not even
make to the end. See, I have cancer. So, what I should
have said was: I won’t die at the end if I make it through
the chemo. Otherwise, the entries will just stop.
OK, I don’t have cancer. Isn’t that sick that I
joke about that? That’s what I’m talking about. That’s
what this lil book is gonna be like. Sick shit that no one
will like but you just can’t stop reading.
Life, and pretty much everything in general,
happens in a cycle. What was once, will be again. There
will never be anything that stays the same, and there will
never be anything that is not somewhat predictable. My
life, as I’m starting to realize, has certain patterns to
it. I start a new task, follow almost all the way through
with this task, get scared, then I either give up or finish
the task. The easiest way to predict whether or not I
complete the task or not is to see if I am able to replace
this task with another.
For example, I was able to complete high school,
not, as I said before, because it is the only thing I have
worked for my entire life and I would feel like a failure
if I didn’t finish, but because I was easily able to
replace high school learning with college learning. I knew
that I would have new friends (which I really haven’t), new
teachers, new classes, a new place to live, etc. All of
these would replace what I had considered a part of high
school and a tremendously integral part of me. There are
some things that I don’t think will be replaced any time
soon (if at all).
I want to be like I always thought I was. You know
those times, when you’re all alone, sitting on a porch (or
on the balcony, or the roof, or wherever you feel most at
peace) on a warm summer’s night looking up at the sky, and
you feel total serenity? That is what I want to feel like
all the time. I want to be able to just wake up in the
morning and not dread going to school or work. I want to
get out of bed and be happy with every blink of my eye,
with every movement of my bowel. I wanna be alive. I
think that’s what my life lately has been about, and
hopefully I won’t lose sight of that while writing this
See, everyone around me seems to have this
impression that money will somehow make them a happy
person, a better person even. Like BIG Poppa said, “Mo’
money, mo’ problems.” I don’t see how having enough money
to buy a $30,000 car would make me any happier than barely
having enough money to cover a $5,000 car. They don’t see
the big picture. The only problem is, I don’t think I do
either. I know happiness is what everyone wants, and I
know I want it too. But I don’t know how to find it.
That’s what this is about. I will spend the next few years
of my life chasing some sort of shadow; trying to grab onto
something that is elusive to everyone and everything on the
planet. I wanna be me but I want me to be happy.
Although I’m sure I will have more to say in the
next few years than just that, that is my main objective,
and that is what I want to strive for.

“Got no patience to search for peace of mind.”
-Alice in Chains

This is my life, for better of for worse; and
you’re gonna hear all about it.

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