a freak with a heart
2002-08-22 05:40:31 (UTC)

to many thoughts

i've had a lot of things on my mind lately. many problems,
mostly having to do with how my life is going. i can't
complain, i don't have a bad life but at the same time i
don't have the best of lives either. i prefer to live in a
dream world. where i never feel pain, stress, depression,
sadness, only happiness and bliss. where every day i can
wake up to see my love sleeping next to me. be old enough
to have my own home and my own little baby. where every day
im living my dream. if only that was now, if
only! instead i deal with shit everyday from my family,
pretty soon school again, and lately my love life hasn't
been much fun at all either. so tell me.... what do i have?
i have my health (well most of the time), a boyfriend but
we're hardly happy anymore even though we love each other,
and a distant dream. you know how ppl who have a hard life
often look for there hole in the world to crawl into, well
i want mine!!!! i want to crawl into my hole and not come
out. nothing works anymore for me. and i really don't care
about any of it except Jeremy. and yet the horror of life
followed me into the only happy place i had. i hate it i
hate it i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!! so many problems, so much
pain, so many tears, so many night sitting up by
myself.....alone. the other night we got into this
huge fight that lasted like 2 days. well the first night
after we were fighting and i left i went upstairs locked
the bathroom door stood in the shower for 50 mins crying
then sat on the floor, i just sat there. then i started
crying again, i started thinking that it felt like we had
broken up and you know what i did........ i throw up, i
spent the rest of the night throwing up. it's like all we
do is fight. like tonight, im up alone again wanna know
why...... because i started asking him when he was gonna
get a job and go to school. cause i care about him and i
know the longer he waits the harder it's gonna be on him.
so i push him when i bring it up and i don't bring it up
that much. he took it as that i don't believe in him. that
i don't believe he will do it, and i don't know if he got
angry or just depressed or what. but before i know it
there's a bad tone and im apologizing over and over and
he's going off about how i don't have faith in him, and we
say goodnight and he's gone. in a total of 40 mins we
managed to fight and one of us left. and he hasn't been
back on since. i'll tell you i don't know what to do
anymore. it's like i say the wrong thing and im screwed
same with him. i just ........ aaaaaaahhhhhhh. and just
think in a few weeks all this is going to get ten times
worse!!!!! i don't know what im gonna do about
school. im so worried over it and only my mom knows and she
doesn't really even know how worried i am. i get sick a
lot, plus im anemic, and get depressed very easily, plus i
don't like being around a lot of ppl. so for me school is
hell. i either miss a lot of days cause im to depressed to
get out of bed or to sick, or to weak, or to tired, or
something. and when im in school i feel like an outsider.
im getting better with that cause i've learned who i am and
that i can be me. and actually everyone likes me me. but i
don't like being around all the ppl. i get very insecure
but im getting better, i now don't care what anyone thinks
about me so the ppl aren't as big a problem. i just ahhh,
this year i can't miss that much school, i have to work
hard for the best grades i can get cause i have to start
looking at colleges and the one i want is a hard school for
art and for some reason grades count. i have to start after
school shit and ahhhhhhhh. shoot me now please. last year
was hard, i hardly got through it, this year is going to be
harder. i don't know if i can make it without completely
going insane and getting extremely depressed!!!!!!!
look im so bored and alone that im babbling about
everything in my head. you know what i want....... i
want to forget about school deal with it in a 2 week, but
not now. i want to tell my best friend i miss her. i want
to paint something beautiful. and i want everything between
jeremy and i to be fixed, i want him to love me and thats
all, i want HIM and i want him to be him. the him where he
used to leave me long email about how he loved me, or about
some day dream he had. i want my fairy tale dream life
back. the one i had when all my friends were jealous cause
i had the best guy and every day was magical. when just
remember an email brought a huge smile to my face and made
everything ok. i remember one time i had this really hard
day ahead of me and he knew that so that night after i went
to bed he wrote me an email about how i would be fine and
how he loved and and wished me luck. you know what i
did..... i printed it out put it in my pocket and
throughout the day whenever i felt to tired or weak or
stressed or worried i took the email out and read it. and
it made me smile and fixed everything. that was my fairy
tale life. where the love we read about as little kids in a
far away kingdom was mine, i had that love, and i still
do...... but i think it got lost some where, somewhere in
the laps of time. and i don't know how to get it back. im
trying, but i guess not hard enough. the only time now thta
we share the love is when we are together. and it can't be
that way, cause for the most part of our life right now we
are not together. we had it before when we were apart, why
can't we have it again? maybe fairy tales are just stories,
distant dreams and hopes that everyone knows are to perfect
for the real world. then why didn't i know? and why do i
still hold on to the hope that it's not gone, just out of
reach for now? i know why! because i am in love, and you
never give up on love! because love never gives up on you,
just tests you every now and then. fairy tales are real!
even they have hard times. but the prince always comes to
the rescue. lol to bad my prince is asleep. ok im done i
still need some things in my head left alone.