jonesenstein

Jonesenstein
2001-07-15 22:10:46 (UTC)

2-14-00


Monday, February 14, 2000
I’m back, (it’s 9:31 PM) and I got a little depression to
lay on ya.
For some reason I just feel like I don’t belong. I
don’t really belong anywhere. I mean, I don’t get a long
well with guys, I’m not exactly a ladies man, I’m somewhere
in between. I’m not sure if I have the greatest friends in
the world (I know I have the greatest I have ever known,
but then again I haven’t really known that many people),
especially after what happened this last weekend. Everyone
always judges everyone else; everyone always has ideas
about other people. It shouldn’t be like that. I know it
is, but I don’t think it should be.
Ok, everyone knows that racism is wrong, right?
Why? There’s nothing exactly wrong with it. “What do you
mean, they’re judging people solely based on the color of
their skin!” Yeah, and you’re judging them because they
have that prejudice. Chances are it’s not their fault.
Just like chances are most people don’t choose which
religion they happen to be in, they’re just in it. They
were raised like that.
But that’s not the point. I don’t want to make
excuses for people. All I’m saying is that there should be
no one judging anyone at any time, and I see that all
around me, and I want to make people aware.
I also see so many people looking so sad, and I
want to help them, but I know the only way to really help
them (other than to cheer them up for the day, which really
doesn’t help a whole lot) is to make them discover things
on their own.
And it hurts my brain trying to save everyone. I
wish I could. I wish I could just make people see what I
see. I wish I could even describe it. I can’t. I have
the soul (and sole, come to think of it) of a poet, and the
vocabulary of a seven year old. Maybe I should write
Christian rock songs. They’re usually pretty fuckin stupid
with a deep message.
I just want people to understand. No one gets it,
and that’s why I feel like I don’t belong.
God, I feel like I’m about 100. “Damn kids with
all their rock & roll!” Sometimes I wish I was so I
wouldn’t have to put up with this grind I find myself in.
Do I need release? Do I need understanding? Do I just
need to shut the hell up and quit whining because everyone
feels like this sometimes?
If someone felt like this sometime I wouldn’t feel
so bad. I’ve never heard anyone ever talk about it, and I
think that’s where I feel alone. I feel like this all the
time. I take that back.
I don’t feel like this all the time, I think like
this all the time. Normally I feel very happy and content
with everything, but I think about this all the time. I
think the main problem is that I don’t even know anyone
that could possibly understand this. Harris would just
say, “What the hell are you talking about, dude?” Jaime
would listen very attentively, and for that I love her, but
she wouldn’t get it. Other than that I really don’t have
anyone that I can tell this to without feeling stifled by
their presence.
I think I’ve told you about this before, and I know
I’ve felt like this since high school.
“I just didn’t think the storm would last as long
as it has.”
Shawshank Redemption
Maybe this is what it feels like to want a soul
mate. You knew it had to come up. It IS Valentine’s Day.
I want someone to feel my pain (to put it
cheesily).
Eh, fuck it. Let’s scrap the whole thing and have
a martini.