*a*v*e* tHe uNbLoNdE bEaUtY

tHe iNvIsIbLe gUrL
2002-08-22 00:42:43 (UTC)

whirlwind

when everything is a blurry, and spinning around you, you
wonder where you went wrong
well, i do any way
sometimes i get so lost in my own head, i can't seperate
dreams from reality. and sometimes i really scare myself.
after my fight with matt, i got so caught up in the
craziness and hurt that i laid in bed, and i fell asleep.
not for very long, but it was long enough. and i had the
scariest dream of my life. no, that's wrong. it wasn't as
much scary as it was sad. have you ever wondered what
would happen to the people you care about if you died? i
do. a lot, actually. i think that's one of the reasons i
stay alive. i think about my friends and family, and i
know that deep down, they need me. for one reason or
another. the dream went something like this:
we were, i don't know, in school maybe, after a
basketball game or something. and there was matt and max.
and someone else i can't see. and the other someone pulls
out a gun. i look at the gun and then at matt, who it is
pointed at and i start to freak out. not out loud,
obviously. i'm not one to panic. but i dont want matt to
get hurt. so i push him away, and then the gun goes off,
and i feel the bullet go in my front and out my back, and
the other someone disappears, and then there's matty,
sitting me up. i can't breath really well, and it hurts so
much. max holds my hand, and matt is saying that he's
sorry over and over again. i feel myself dying. and then
we're in an ambulence, and i tell the doctor guys that max
and matt are my brothers, and they get to come with me, and
matt calls my parents and our friends, and then i make the
driver take us to burlington because the berlin hospital
doctors would probably kill me outright. then i'm in a
hospital bed, and the doctor tells me he doesn't know if
i'll make it, we'll have to wait overnight to find out how
much damage was done. then he says that all my friends and
family are out in the waiting room. i tell him to send in
my parents first. they come in, and i tell them i'm sorry
for making them stay in billsville, and that i love them no
matter what happens. and then i ask for my brothers, and i
tell them that i love them no matter how much they made me
angry and how much we fought, and that they never ever
touch alcohol or any drugs, because if they do they'll
fight with their best friends and she'll end up shot. and
then i ask for my best friend angela, and when she comes in
she is crying and i feel so awful. she's always been my
best friend, there through everything, and she's lost so
much already, and now i'm leaving her too? my heart is
breaking, and i hug her, even though the hole beneath my
collar bone is adding to the tears in my eyes. i dont even
know what to say, except "ang, you are and always have been
my best friend since i got here. i will always be a part
of you, no matter what happens, and if you ever need to
talk, just look up at the moon, and that's where i'll be.
i'll do my best to watch out for you. just live your
dreams, and i know you'll be ok. i love you kid." and
she's whispering, "you can't die, ave. please." and we
just cry for what seems like forever. and then ian comes
in, and i can see he hasn't been crying, but he sees me and
angela and then he starts, and i hold them both to me. ian
always tells me we'll probably end up married. angela's
brother died when we were all in 7th grade, and he and ian
were best friends, and here i was, doing this to ian
too. "take care of each other. no matter what happens to
me, you all need to take care of each other." and then
angela and ian leave, and matt and max come in, and i cant
talk, because i dont want to say goodbye. so instead, i
say, "if i dont wake up tomorrow, it wont be so bad. i
have had fun. it really turned out to be ok. and i still
loved you guys all this time. i'm sorry. i'm not sad i
missed out on trying drugs or alcohol, or even the sex. i
am kinda sad i missed out on the whole first kiss thing,
but i guess if you dont get kissed by the time youre 16,
youre probably in trouble. did i mention that i love you
two?" and then they both cry, but i cant remember that
part, because my brain doesnt know how to see them crying.
theyve always been my tough guys, not being too open, not
caring too much. but the crying of my two best guy friends
in the whole world is too much, and so i skip over the rest
of my friends, and i come to the part where i tell everyone
they have to come in together, and i tell them, "i'm sorry
for everything i've done wrong, including jumping in front
of a gun. dont you dare have a funeral of balck and white
for me in a church. i dont care how angry my family gets,
i will not be mourned in a holy place. if i dont wake up
tomorrow, i want a funeral in the gym, not because i expect
many people to come, but because that school has done
nothing to help me be a better person or make it in life,
so they can do something for me in death. and if i am
gone, you all need to take care of each other. i've done
my best, even if that wasn't always good enough. and i
love you all more than words can tell. and all i can say
is that i am sorry. i'll miss you. but don't miss me too
much."

and then i woke up, and i was crying, and it was
terrible. but it is good to know that even my subconcious
would die for a friend. somehow i wish i could tell them
that, but i wouldnt want to scare anyone.


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