Lost and Searching
2002-08-21 19:29:49 (UTC)

Turn Abouts

Well shit seems like life keeps sending me on curves and
turns that sometimes i don't know where i am heading....I
know that Anthony is a couple of ocean's away, and that it
will be a REALLY REALLY REALLY long time till i see him
again..well possibly in december but i am not sure if that
will work for once this summer i decided i would
stay home by myself the whole night, well that lasted until
about ten o'clock on Friday chest hurt a
little bit but not enough to stop me from going out...i
gave some friends a call and then ended up in
concordia.....the bars really were blowing there so they
decided to take me to this new bar, in a town that i had
never been to.....well when brad and I entered the bar, i
the only good looking guy i noticed was seated at the bar
(was named Justin), and that was where we were
headed....well to make a long story short, i did go home
with Justin....But we didn't have sex, wasn't that i wanted
to but damn if i didn't have some morals.....

When we awoke the next morning my side and chest were
hurting me, i just figured that it was from drinking to
much and not getting enough i got home, changed
my clothes and headed out to work, was going to finish up
on the pasture fence we had been working on all week....The
thing is about this damn kansas weather is that if you
don't like it,wait five minutes because it will
a break from the hot squelching humid weather that we had
been working in, it was suddenly now freezing and windy and
dumb me forgot to bring a sweatshirt or a jacket and i
didn't want to seem a puss and go back home and get
something.....Nick was pestering me about being slow, and
not seeming with it...i lied and told him that i wasn't
hungover but was dying from cramps and my period, but in
reality i didn't know what in the hell was wrong with me....
we got the fence done, i went home did some chores around
the house, and then went in to try and get some sleep, but
damn if that didn't happen, seemed like everyone and their
dog decided that they needed to stop by and see how i was
or what happened to me last night, since i

Annette(net) came over woke me up and decided that it was
time for me to get up and to get hoed up for the night, b/c
i was supposed to go out with them since it was the last
weekend before i started school....well damn i didn't to go
really and boy i felt like shit......But with her i went
and got all hoed up... i really didn't think that justin
would call, but sure enough as we were eating supper he
called my cell phone.....for plans later that
night....picked up mark, karen and sarah, and we all headed
to concordia...well i was afraid that i saw kevin that i
would easily persuaded to go home with him and leaving
justin in the dark....but when that showdown came to a
head, i said hi, and did the pleasant conversation, and
when he asked what i was doing later tonight i told him
that i couldn't tonight but he could give me a call later
in the week....and about that time i left the group and
headed off to Justin's :P.....

Still did the right thing and had no sex's
invigorating to know that i can have a somethingship, with
someone and its not centered around sex RIGHT at the
moment, and then again i haven't told him about that little
thing that i am dying yet

Well sunday arrived and i hadn't felt any better, justin
wondered why i had dark circles under my eyes i just told
him that it was from to much partying.....i am not sure how
i got through the day but somehow i made it, net told me i
looked like shit i just couldn't tell her that i really
felt like it sunday night i had a fever and the
damn chills, the antibotics that i had been taking seemed
to be taking their damn time to kick in.......finally my
damn fever broke, and eventhough i was still tired as hell
on monday i attended school, but afternoon on tuesday i got
home at twelve thirty and slept till about eight that
night, took a shower and slept a till about six fifty this
morning......went to the dr. this afternoon, and discovered
that from the damn infection that my lung capacity had
dimished some, well hell, i could either go out and live a
normal life, or i could stay home and live in a bubble,
eventhough i know i have been getting hurt by people's
reaction my disease, i don't think that i can stay inside
and wilt away, i think right now i would rather be out
having sex, and living....