lilith.

dedoubledidentifiedschizophrenia~
2001-07-15 10:29:19 (UTC)

its bad.

things are goin down hill. this is hitting me at the wrong
time. not just me but my baby too. god, my baby... i miss
her. damnit.
dy's mom came to look for me on thursday.. she was lanning
on a surprise visit but i think god saved me by tellin me
to look across the block and i saw her. i hid behind the
class cupboard. and at that exact moment, she came into the
class and asked for me. i thank god for givin me
understanding classmates who coveed up for me.. i was
freaked. more fear than ever. i didnt noe she was gonna
show up just like dat. my baby didnt noe either and mu
celly was off when she tried to call me to warn me.
everythng happened so fast. so damnit fast. i screwed orals
exams if u wanna noe. how can i when all in my mind was
whether her mom was still in the building... my heart wasnt
beating. u should have been there. it was all drama.
hiding..narrow escape... ddamnit.

i knew she was gonna come and look for me again on friday..
so i skipped school. and she did. she came on friday..
stood outside my class and asked for me again..
everything's freaking.. my frens said i wasnt around.. i
didnt noe what happened.. but i noe she talked to zareen..
she told z, to tell all of dy's frens not to
call/disturb/keep in contact with her. reason: shes been in
and out of hospital.. dads mad, grades slipping..only want
her daughter to do well and concentrate on studies... yeah
rite. but she added dis line... she told z not to forget to
tell me. me, she singled me out. how ouch is dat..

during recess.. dy talked to z. z talked to me.. dy's havin
a worst time at home.. the mom told her .."break it or ill
break you.." dy wants to say it to me.. but fear i cant
take it. i noe she has no choice. i dont noe what to do...

the mom.. came again on saturday.. i skipped ca. dont ask
me why. but this whole thing has turn into some hunting
game. i fear... i fear a big deal.. i noe i have to
subsequently meet the mom but i fear. i fear. i simply fear.

quinine. hemz and dil are de only 3 peeps that noe the real
deal. abt me and my lying confessions to my mom.. all 3 of
me.. asked me to face the mom. yeah, easier said than
done.. i noe, sooner or later.. but im still scared. im
skipping school on monday and even tuessday.. or the whole
week.. i dont noe..

this running away thing.. is miserable. i dont noe whether
i shld just simply face up as i shld take responsibility
towards wat i have done... but i cant do it alone..

many told me to give up.. give up being with my baby.. give
up being with my dy.. am i bieng selfish by clinging onto
the the fine threads of hope that i yarn in vain? i wanna
be with dy for eternity damnit. stop asking me to give up..
but dy... i think, is givin up herself.. how now? 4 years
and u want me to say its ok..let us separate and pretend we
had no history..???? fuckin bitches who can do that.

i miss her damnit. damnit ..
i miss her.. the nites are lonely.. i keep thinkin of dy..
dis afternoon i went to all the places we went.. the bench
at parkway where we sat down.. and the stuffs we played
with.. i cried a tear.. i missing her so badly. my life is
like dis jigsaw puzzle.. 90% covered by dy and now.. its
torn apart.....

am i de fool to hold on? havent i been the one holdin on
for years... i cant move on... my baby... will it be dat no
more??

-lilith


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