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this is what venting feels like
it feels good
my friend from DC (joanie) always tells me i can "vent" to
her if i need to. but i'm just so used to being the
recipiant, i dont really know how to vent to real people.
it definetly sounds nice though. i dont want to put my
problems on other people. they get pretty complex. i
think i make them up for myself. i wouldnt be
surprised...you know, all my problems being in my head.
i'm pretty twisted like that. but then there is such
obvious PROOF that there is a problem, i know i'm not
like this thing with matt.
i think its all better now. i wrote him another email,
much longer. i tried to fix everything. cause, really,
the last thing i ever wanted was for him to hate me. i got
so scared i was going to lose my friend--one of my best
friends--because of words. and you know, the only thing i
am really good with is words...how could they fail me now?
thats probably what scared me the most, besides just the
thought of losing my matty. he was the one that tried to
make me feel better when i started crying on new years
eve. he's the one that used to tell me (almost) everything
about his life. he used to tell me how he felt, and it
never mattered that that wasn't terribly deep. i love him
for everything he is...or was. i dont even know any more.
but i am so relieved we aren't fighting anymore. he really
hurt me. now, its like i've picked all the shards of glass
out of my chest...its still bleeding and all, but it feels
so much better. i think i need to just not type or talk
any more. i'm going to do everything possible to not make
them mad at me anymore.
its hard for me to make them understand how much i
care...they are so important to me. to everything about
me. i stayed in vermont for them. it was stupid of me,
but i dont think i'll ever make friends like the ones i
have here, with all our highs and lows. only my friends
here would stop doing the bad things just for me. and that-
-that feels really, really good. all i have to do now is
stay away from that broken glass, and keep my head up. as
it turns out, the world is not crashing down around me.