Mezzo Swede

A Toast to World Domination
2002-08-21 10:27:18 (UTC)

Absconding Inbred Celebrities

I can’t believe I did this. I actually brought my laptop
into the bathroom with me. So here I am, in the bathroom,
typing my diary entry. I actually feel kind of clever. I
mean, people bring magazines and books into the bathroom
all the time, so why not a laptop? In many ways, a laptop
is quite a sensible item to bring into a bathroom, I just
never realized it before. I can type my entries, or watch a
DVD, or listen to music, or play Sex Tetris…compared to
some old magazine, the possibilities seem endless. Think
about it! All that a magazine does is lie coldly on your
bare thighs, and most likely, whatever magazine you can
find in a bathroom, you’ve already read a million times.
And if you have lotion on, it can even make ugly prints on
your legs. And seriously, who would really want to walk
around with the cover of Esquire copied onto their lap? On
second thought…who is that hottie on the cover this month?
Ok, I am out of the bathroom. I can’t decide whether or not
it was worth all the trouble of dragging the computer in
there…it was kind of stimulating to have Marie Callas
singing opera in there though. Now, I’ve moved out into the
living room, where Luis is snowboarding on the new Play
Station II Gaming Console, that Ron donated to our
household. I find his generosity completely
incomprehensible, but hey, now we have a DVD player, so why
question it? Besides, it is truly priceless, hearing Luis
squeal with delight as his little snowboarder man finds new
secret shortcuts, and unrealistically misses fatal
collisions with trees and rocks that are spread about the
terrain. Hearing him curse as the snowboarder man breaks
his neck every three seconds, is pretty funny too. Speaking
of Luis, he and I have been officially seeing each other
for six months, today. We celebrated in moderation by being
almost completely inactive all day, except for a visit to
Hola’s for Happy Hour appetizers, and a quickie shopping
spree to Walgreen’s. But with the exception of those two
energy surges, we have remained pretty much stationary in
front of the TV since last night. We split a bottle of wine
and watched the Others, which I think is a fabulous movie,
and stuffed our faces with popcorn and granola bars. Then
we stared at the ceiling and marveled for while at the fact
that we actually live together. We eventually paused in our
marveling and watched Zoolander. I can’t tell you what
happened after that though, because that’s really none of
your business. Not that any of this really is anyone’s
business…but I guess I have to draw the line somewhere, no?
This morning, we continued lounging in a similar fashion,
waking up on the floor in front of the TV, since that’s
where we fell asleep the previous evening. Around noon, I
met Andy for lunch at Round Table, and we discussed work,
theatre, Pat’s upcoming party, and the true definition of
the word ABSCOND. I need to remember to write Andy a note
to tell him how utterly erroneous his handling of the word
was. He tried to make me believe that to abscond something
means to deliver something, or to drop something off. He
needs to be told that in this dimension, in THIS reality,
to abscond means to leave suddenly, to take off, to run
away. So unless the Wall Street Journal ran away from his
lawn, he was using the word incorrectly. After I got back
from lunch, I rejoined Luis in an extended nap, followed by
a viewing of the movie Bridget Jones’ Diary. It’s my new
favorite movie. Hugh Grant is one sexy motherfucker. Too
bad he’s an asso-lo-mio, to the millionth degree. Who the
hell cheats on Elizabeth Hurley? Don’t get me wrong, all
cheating is wrong in my book, but she’s Elizabeth Hurley,
for crying out loud! What is WRONG with him? Maybe the same
thing that is wrong with Tom Cruise. He’s a sexy beast too,
but who in their right mind would leave Nicole Kidman? I
guess maybe I am being shallow…but I used to be so inspired
by that relationship. And I am cynical enough about
relationships; I really didn’t need that one to fall apart.
I really believed for a second that there was such a thing
as a true, honest, meant-to-be celebrity relationship. But
I guess not. They all inbreed in their celebrity dating
pool, just like everyone else does, in their respective
pools, I guess. It’s depressing. I guess I don’t really
know what Nicole Kidman or Elizabeth Hurley are really
like, but they sure as hell seem perfect to me. And as far
as I know, Hugh and Tom are morons. Sigh…More on that later.
I have had just about enough of listening to Luis’ little
snowboarder man exclaim, “If I had an ego, I’d be
embarrassed by that!” every time Luis makes him fall on his
face or run straight into a wall. It’s time to watch…The
Talented Mr.Ripley!
Before I go…think about this…wouldn’t it be a good idea to
make inflatable shoes? Seems like that would be awfully
good for the feet. They’d probably be really ugly though.




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