robertncheek

Finding Nirvana
2002-08-21 04:47:30 (UTC)

Day 2- Love and Sex and the thought provoking friend

Well, I'm proud of myself. I have actually kept this up
for two days. Surprising myself every day.

So anyway, today was a day like any other. But also
very different. Kinda confusing right. anyway, I sat
around here, a normal CC *Caroline County* day. I went
shopping fo college *11 days, whoohoo* then went to Denton
on what turned out to be a lovely waste of gas. However, I
spent some great time with my girl Tabby. Saw a movie,
made it a fun evening so I'm relatively happy.
Been thinkin about the future. That's mainly Tabby's
fault. I can't believe I'm down to 11 days until the rest
of my life starts. I mean, I always think of life in four
stages: Child, College, Job, and then retirement. It's
kinda like a FOIL thing *from math*. They all relate and
are the same, but also hold differences and their own
challenges. I can already see the challenges ahead.
Kepping my grades up, having fun, treating that strange
rash *throwing a bone to everyone who knows me*, and
getting where, and as the person, I wanna be. Of course,
I'm not sure where and who that is yet, but I have a
general plan: so that's better then nothing.
Tabby got me thinkin abut something else too *damn
her*. I have always told her that I wanted a serious
relationship and she wants to hook me up with a friend
that is the same way: but, I'm not sure whether that's the
whole truth. I mean, well, Ive self diagnosed myself with
a mental disorder. I think it fits, and I would bet those
who know me agree.
I have whats known as Madonna/whore syndrome *saw it
on TV so bite me, and no, not Madonna the singer, Madonna
as in the mother of Christ*. What it is, is that every
woman I meet I put on a scale between "Couldn't be
anything but friends" to "O God, Fuck me now." No matter
where I place them though, subconsciouly I wanna prove to
myself that they belong on the even lower end of the scale
that is the "untouchable-slut" area. So during my
interactions with them I move them toward Madonna or slut
ends, whether they are my friend or a love interest. Once
they arrive at Madonna, I couldnt and wouldn't sleep with
them. I.E. they're like a sister. However, if I
successfully sleep with them, then they are a slut and not
worthy of me. *Yea, I'm fucked up, but aren't we all in
someways.*
So anyway, I tell people, and some of me believes, that
I really do want a relationship. When I finally get one
though, it's great until sex, then it goes downhill. Those
relationships that are just sex sometimes stay good. If
it's a good friend then we'll stay friends and it'll be
fine, but I know that sex is there whenever, if not the
friendship may not survive. But, I often lose interest or
stray or just become emotionally detached and/or press and
press for sex until I get it, which leads to the end of a
relationship. I know my head wants a relationship, but the
rest of me seems to want sex, and not steady sex just
different sex. I have always formulated that once I had
the right woman who could tame me and give me the best sex
ever.....she'd have my mind and body forever. I thought I
had that this summer, turns out I was wrong.
I still hope that I will find that relationship. I
guess until then I am doomed to endless trists of
meaningless sex with many multiple partners *but safe, no
I'm not dirty* *and yes I know for a fact* either way,
Poor Me ;)...thats about it on love and sex...
More later...




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